Out of Luck

Copyright, Vivki

When I think of you I can’t help but smile,
Your love of music and your kick ass style.
I cannot begin to understand how I can feel for you,
So many things I need to think through.
When I am with you I have not a care,
But when I am with you I constantly have to stay aware.
For I know you could never feel the same,
This is just one more reason I am in pain.
But it’s fine I will just have to cope,
One of the only things I have is hope.
I am satisfied with just being your friend,
But I hope someday I will be more to you in the end.
I never did have good luck,
Now it appears I am stuck.
I simply wish I could read your mind,
Then everything I want to know about you I could find.
You act all confused like you ever cared,
I wish these feelings I never shared.
I mean how could you ever love me,
Nor was I ever meant to be happy.
You have no clue how much I wish,
I never wanted your tender kiss.
I know this is wrong and it could never be,
I get it now, I understand, I see.
Ohh well I guess we’re not ment to be,
I really hope you will be happy


Copyright, Vivki

I need someone who I can trust and believe in,
Someone I can go to who won’t think I am a failure, and that everything I do is a sin.
All my life I was the one who people could go to,
But now I need someone to help me through.
To help me through all my pain and misory,
I can not make it alone with only me.
But who would want to help such a worthless person like I?
Every night I lay in my bed and cry.
I want to burst and let all my emotions go,
But it seems blood is the only thing that I can flow.
The only way I can explain,
Is on a paper in which I pour all my pain.
But anytime I write my words are so dark and deep,
Remembering the feel of blood and how I loved to see it seep.
I know I should stop but honestly why?
When its the only things holding in my cries.
Late at night I lay in bed,
Wondering why I feel so dead.
I don’t think I have the will to survive,
I already know that I’m not alive.

Let Go

Copyright, Vivki

Around my family I put on a fake smile and pretend everything is alright,
While actually deep inside I have given up the fight.
Everyone says hold on, all this pain won’t last,
That some day this will all be a thing of the past.
But honestly I have already let go,
Of everthing I once dreamed and everything I know.
The odd thing is I no longer care,
In the mirror I always stare.
At the worthless, shell of a human I have become,
I do not feel, I now only feel numb.
My words are all I have left on pages of crimson red,
Forgetting everything I once said.
I won’t ever be good enough,
My whole life has been a bluff.
Saying things I know aren’t true,
Never letting any bit of the real me show through.
I am a fake, a fraud is all I now know,
Maybe that’s why I always feel so low.
Well I don’t plan to make it out of high school,
I will not let myself become another fool.
By the age 19 I will probably be dead,
This is just one of the things racing through my head.
But none of this is important anymore,
My heart for far to long has been sore.
I blare my music in hopes to sound everyone out,
This is my only route.
I do not write to offend,
But poetry and cutting are the only ways I know how to mend.
I will always be trapped by depressions spell,
I have come accustom to my own personal hell.
The darkness surrounds my very soul,
I have no part in this world no role.
The only goal I ever had was to survive,
But I don’t think I want to even be alive.
Maybe I am ment to be die,
So please stop feeding me all your lies.
When my blood flows with such a rush,
All my problems seem to turn to mush.
I sit and watch everyone go by,
And never know why.
Why I can’t feel anything but pain?
I guess my heart and soul are ment to be slain.
I don’t think I can hide all this for much longer,
The only way I can end this is with a permanent slumber.
I am not sure if I can take my life,
I most likely will do it with my sacred knife.
What do I really have to live for?
It seems tempting more and more.
I am not smart, pretty or athletic,
What am I worth , now I just feel sick.
The more I cut, the more I bleed,
The more it seems to feed.
Feed my hunger to end the pain,
I can watch all my bright red problems wash away in the drain.
The only problem is that the cuts don’t last,
I have the scars to prove from my past.
I wonder if I can make it through another day,
I don’t think I can stay.
The only things I feel are things of the unknown,
I feel so cold, lost, ashamed, guilty and alone.
I always here I am doing wrong,
I guess I can never belong.
I cut, pop pills and don’t eat,
May be this is why I feel so weak.
My body may be breaking down, and falling apart,
But this is only the start.
There is nothing more addictive,
Than a wound self-inficted.
These words I do live by,
No one will ever see or hear me cry.
I am not strong, or tough,
That’s it I have had enough.
Screw it I’m done, I am through,
So good bye to all of you.

You Won

Copyright, Vivki

At the stroke of midnight,
I see the red moon coming into sight.
Show me a way out, show me how,
Take me by the hand right now.
I cut out of self-hatred and pain,
Why must I in darkness remain.
Please help me I need to escape my ways,
Before the Grime Reaper to my soul in slaves.
Where am I, I can not see,
The darkness has consumed my soul and slowly tainted my sanity.
What is that horrible scream?
Its my own, What do u mean?
Is this me, the one in pain,
I am truly going insane.
Questioning everything I do,
To stop my life! I wonder if I could go threw.
To go threw with ending my life,
For the thrust of blood I grab the knife.
No I must not,
Is this the only way for me to get caught.
Maybe then the darkness will fade,
Or maybe the answers lie within the razor blade.
I am so lost, I can not find,
A single consistent thought except for cutting in my mind.
Why won’t you help me in my hour of need?
Are you waiting for me to cave and bleed?
I see you turning away,
Is there nothing you have to say?
Why have you turned your back on me?
Is there something in me that you can only see?
I am a failure, I will not succeed,
I cannot resist it anymore I need to bleed.
I am so conflicted,
How can I find refuge and comfront in a wound self-inflicted.
I feel so numb to my surroundings,
I no longer hear my heart’s pounding.
Then I glance and see a light,
Could this be my shining knight?
Are you here to stop the pain?
Or are you an illusion I cannot obtain.
This stranger now comes closer to me,
But his face I still cannot see.
Just as soon as he arrived he vanished and left me,
Back in the dark my only hope was but an illusion how can this be…
I give up you all win,
I grab the knife and dig in.
I carve betrayed and alone into my pale, scarred arm,
This is what you wanted, why do seem so alarmed.
Congradulations you have won,
I can no longer feel the sun.
As I now lay dieing,
All I hear is my constant crying.
On this night I pass away,
My fears and pain now did stray.
But in the darkness I will always stay!


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