The Pain and No One Helps

Copyright Jacki

Ever since I was young, like in 6th grade I’m guessing, I have been things to die. At first it wasn’t that bad, you know. I would get into a fight with the only people left who loved me (my home, my family) and I would feel so hated and I should die and I would lock myself in the bathroom and drank poison in there, hoping and thinking I’ll die. It never worked out… In 7th grade I really didn’t do anything. I would cut my figures though, and want to die but never did anything really bad. Then we moved. 8th grade was great but at home things got worse. I became more depressed and I cut my wrist one time and pray that someone can hear will kill me. And now (freshman year) I have gotten so bad. I have cut my wrist many time over and over again over the same cut because I don’t want scars but I do it because I feel like I need to feel something more than the pain on the inside. Then I stitched myself. Then I cut my hands. I have gotten so much worse.

I have asked for help but no one listen they thought I was kidding. I opened to a counselor telling her that I hit myself because I wanted help but I didn’t want her to know what I really do. I never thought what I did was bad or to a point where I needed help I was and still am in denial. Things never got better for me. It was always bad at home I was just too young to notice and at school I was traumatized for life everyday. I wish I didn’t live there and every day I try to forget what I was forced to go through in my old school. And then my only friend that’s closest person to me and the person I love more then life itself, my sister, started drugs. I was hurt more then over. Just a couple of days ago I opened up to her I told her what I do and why I do it. I told her because her boyfriend yelled at her and was going to hit her so I did something about it I stuck up for her and then an hour later they told my parents I was crazy. I could’t believe my sister did that to me, it hurt so bad, I cried and cried more than I had ever cried in my life.

Then I showed her the pain I have and the pain she caused. I told her she wasn’t my sister and I said to her fine you wanna see how happy I am? You wanna see how good you make me feel? And I showed her my wrist. Now my close cousin knows as well what I do and why I do. That’s another story. But my whole life I felt unloved and hated and betrayed no matter who it was. And now I’m scared to care for anyone. I have a best friend who cuts herself as well. And if she betrays me I don’t know what… I have tried to get help and no one cared or listened to me. Now I’m trying to take it in my own hands. I want to get better I want to be happy I just want to smile but not just any smile but a smile that shows people how happy I am. I miss being happy, and when I am, nothing stands in my way because it’s never happened but when it does I try so hard to enjoy it. I miss my life I miss my sister and I miss the happiness. Well that’s my story. My 2nd step to finding help.

If I could I would take all the pain that everyone feels and wish it on me. It makes me sad that there are other people out there that feel the way I do. I wish I could take their pain away and put it on me instead.


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