Copyright, Jem

I’m tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless lost under the surface
Don’t know what you’re expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)

I’ve become so numb I can’t feel you there
I’ve become so tired so much more aware
I’ve becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you.

Numb, Linkin Park

I thought that it would be appropriate to start with this song, because I don’t know where else to start.

I don’t remember when my life was fun and happy. I don’t remember the last time I just went out with my friends without feeling ashamed of what I have on my arms. Wearing bracelets to cover up, even though everyone knows. Trying to hide from my family and friends all the awful things that I do to myself, finding reasons to be mad at my friends to justify what I do. A lie, to my family, my friends, my councilor, and myself. I put on this persona of being fine and okay, when I’m breaking down inside wishing that I won’t wake up in the morning or I’ll get into an accident and go into a coma and never wake up, just wishing that I would die. I didn’t always want to die. I used to be a happy go lucky teenager. I got along with my family; I had best friends, just happy without trying.

My best friend started smoking pot. I did too. It felt good to be high. Nothing else mattered. I would do things that I didn’t have the courage to do. I smoked for a year and then got an MIP. When I got my MIP. my life came down. My family was disappointed, I could see it on there faces. My little brother and sister, who looked up to me, now had no one, at least no one that’s a good example for them.

But I found another thing and that was cutting. At first the cuts were nothing. They were like scraps. Well those scraps soon became unacceptable. So the more I cut, and the deeper they got. My friends found out and told me I was stupid for doing this to myself, but by then there was nothing I could do to stop, I was addicted. It was like being high. I’d get lost in the cutting, hours would pass and I would just sit and watch myself bleed. It’s funny I just noticed that I was talking like I’m past this but I’m not. I can’t stop. I want to stop but I can’t. Sometimes I want to but for the most part I like it. It’s a way that I can hurt myself and show it, but I’ve become numb to the pain. My mom ended up finding out and now I’m seeing a counselor. She thinks that I’ll kill myself because I tried in 7th grade. But I don’t want to kill myself. I just want to cut, I need to cut. I’m happy when I cut. I get excited when I buy a new razor or cutting instrument.

I don’t understand why I cut anymore, it’s like I have no control.

No one that I know understands, they all think that I’m psycho, and that I’m going to kill myself and everyone around me. But it’s not true. They don’t understand. I don’t need someone telling myself that what I’m doing isn’t healthy or whatever. I know what I do is a horrible monster that drags you in and won’t let you go.

I cut myself almost every night. I don’t like people watching me, it’s a private thing for me. I have a happy box. In it, it has a razor, some tiger balm, a lighter, and a picture of me and my grandpa. All the things that make me happy. I recently started burning myself.

So that’s why I started with the song, because I’m numb. I can’t feel anymore. I want to though. So for everyone that is thinking about cutting themselves: Don’t. It’s not worth it. Feel people’s love. I’m so angry that I can’t tell the difference from someone caring and someone just being a bitch. Don’t let that happen to you. Don’t do what I do.


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