Confused and Hurt

Copyright, Jessika

I’m fifteen years old and I have been cutting since I was thirteen. I started when my mom was first was diagnosed with cancer. It was innocent, using a staple to drag across my arm. I was young and didn’t quite understand why I did it, it just made my pain instantly go away for awhile. Soon later I quit and didn’t think much of it. Right before I turned fourteen I was upset and remembered I used to cut, so I decided to try it again but this time I used a compass from my geometry set and I made three lines near my elbow. The pain I had doing this made my inner pain go away. Since then I have been battling this hard addiction with stopping cutting and starting again. The only thing I have used for about a year is a razor. I have gone through so many but each time I do it it is more and more. About seven months ago my mom passed away from cancer which ripped my family of me, my dad, and my brother apart. She suffered and I always promised her she would be OK and wouldn’t die. I was proved wrong. Recently I ran away from home and spent the night at a friend’s house because of my dad being so violent with name callings and put-downs and threats that I have had seven straight months of. He ended coming to get me and all I wanted to do was run away again, but instead I went home with him. One of my best friends saw my razor in my backpack that night that I had packed so I had some clothes and stuff, and threw it out, I was so mad but I know she did it because she cares, you know who you are thank you. But thank you for listening to my story and if anyone just needs someone to talk to or another friend they can relate to please e-mail me if you want at Good luck to you all.

Update, May 4, 2005

Copyright, Jessika

I just thought I should update all of you since the last time I wrote here. I am still cutting but I have limited myself to a few each time not like as many as I could do before I get dizzy or until my dad calls me to see why I’m in the bathroom so long. Last night and the night before I tried to kill myself, I’m just haunted by past memories and I didn’t think and took some pain killers and cut my wrists just before my dad would become suspicious and then waited in my computer room for the pills to kill me. Unfortunately they didn’t. Yesterday I decided to try again with more pills. I tried, but my friend found out and made me drink water until it went out of my system. Damn. But the reason why I didn’t take more last night was because my best friend (you know who you are) was almost in tears and was begging me so I didn’t do any more. Too bad. But I still know that people care but for some reason I just want to lie down in my bed or on the couch and die. I also popped some Tylenol 3 with codeine in it just for some kind of an escape from this crappy world. Well I guess I will update you some other time when things change a bit. People who still need someone to talk to please e-mail me, I just want to help others.

Update, June 8, 2005

Copyright, Jessika

Hey, it’s me again. I’m just making an update about how I am doing. Today my two cousins read my other updates on here and printed it off and read it then told me. They now both know and I almost cried. They told me that they won’t think of me differently now or tell anyone else. Thank God. But I am cutting less and am no longer suicidal, I haven’t been suicidal since a few nights after I wrote in here last. I am doing better and my seventeen year old friend and I are going to help each other to get better. She doesn’t cut but does other things. I feel a lot better now because I now have more people to help me, but I’m still scared. I have lots of people who have ditched me recently and who used me just for smokes or friendship when no one liked them, so now I know who my true friends are. Out of all of the ‘friends’ I had, my actual amount of friends are about four or five. The rest are acquaintances or ditched me. I thought I had like thirty friends, I was so wrong. The last time I cut was last night over my brother being an ass and my so called friend who yet again ditched me for guys and a chick I hate. Shows who your real friends are, right? My dad and I are getting along a lot better and he is now happier because he has a friend to talk to now. I’m happy for him. I can’t remember if I said this before but my dad now knows about my cutting and didn’t like it at all he freaked out and said I did it for attention. That was about a month ago. School is getting better and I’m going on anti-depressants in about a week or so, which will help.

If you have anything to ask at all e-mail me. Thanks for reading.


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