Living with Unforgettable and Unforgiving Pain

Copyright Scarred

My name is Rachel, I’m sixteen and I have been cutting since I was fourteen. It started off just scratching I don’t know how it turned into cutting and burning. I can remember for the longest time I’ve never felt really happy probably since 3rd grade, I’m now in 10th. My mother believes something tragic must have happend to me and that I just made myself forget or I don’t want to tell, I really don’t think anything happened and I don’t no why I’ve been depressed and felt like this for so long. I think my mom just tried to find a reason for all this so she doesn’t have to admit that her daughter has depression and problems that she can’t fix. I’m in some ways close to my mom but have a really hard time getting through to her what I need and how to help she just does understand or try to. She thinks she’s the perfect super mother which sucks a lot of the time. I’ve always been the one my friends come talk to when they have problems with family friends boys or whatever it might be and I’ve never been the one to talk about my problems I just don’t talk about them I’ve convinced myself I can fix them all by myself which I think has been a cause of my cutting I bottle it up until it’s been to much. I’ve always hide how I truly feel I’m always acting happy and bubbly and ‘preppy’ I guess you could say so people don’t know and don’t ask about what’s really going on. For the longest time I’ve always felt a pain not necessarily physical but emotional, and I just don’t know how to deal with it. I also have an older sister who I’m very close with but my parents also make me feel like I should be just like her which I’m anything but her me and her are the complete opposites which makes me feel like such a disappointment to my parents and less loved. I’ve always thought that I’m the cause of everyones pain or that I’m the reason people aren’t happy like within my group of friends and my family I don’t no why but I do I really would rather be depressed the rest of my life then have to see a friend or family member hurting. Another big thing I’ve been through was I’ve always been mixed up with the wrong kind of guys I’ve been almost raped but decided to just agree to it to keep from being raped, I’ve been in a very controlling and unhealthy relationship, and been used for many bad things in my other relationships and I’ve just lost all self respect and think nothing of myself I know that I’m not good for nethin and no one will ever really love me for me which sucks to no but I’ve become immune to this kind of thing happening to me I think that’s lead to a lot of the cutting I just don’t care what happens to my body because no one has ever treated me like I need to treat myself right. Some days I don’t care at all I just would rather die so that everyone would be happier and I’ve already attempted three times. The one wish I have to be able to be truly happy some day I just don’t see that happening and I wish I could just get rid of all this pain I know my life is not the worst ever but some days it seems like that I hope no one ever has to go through cutting or anything like it because at first it might be easy to stop, but it becomes an addiction that is so hard to stop don’t let anyone tell you it’s easy to quit that it’s nothing compared to drugs or smoking or drinking it’s hard I’ve been trying to quit since the day I started and that was three years ago and I hope no one has to go through this kind of pain if you have questions or want to talk right me I’m a new member of Psyke my username is scarred or you can e-mail me. I’d love to talk or listen or help in anyway I can. Stay strong and stay true to yourself.


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