Copyright, Spring

My name is Spring, I’m 27 and have suffered from self harm for 2 1/2 years. I remember when it all first started I just had my third child, and already suffered from panic attacks and depressions for 5 years prior to when all this started. They were little cuts at first not deep and only my partner knew, I was Hiding it from my family for 4 months before they found out and the only reason they found out was that I got out of control one day and my other half had to ring my parents they took me down to my doctor’s and he tried anti-depressants and Valium, Murelax. Physic’s after physic’s since then. But last year was probably the hardest year so much happened and the worse the problem the deeper my cuts got, I then stared getting very suicidal I tried jumping out of the car, overdose, hanging myself that many times I have lost count. We have cathedral ceilings so it’s easy, but what isn’t easy is seeing my kids go through all this. My oldest has rang her father to come home because of me I’ll never forget one day I tried to hang myself. I made all of them sit in the bedroom until their father came home and my daughter kept running out. She was hysterical, nearly fainting, going white and sick and she was only six years old. It got that bad I was admitted to hospital, but really nothing helps. Both my arms are covered in scars and my thighs. I went good there for a while at the end of last year but just recently it’s taken over me again. When I say that I mean it feels like I have no control over my mind, it feels like ten thousand things are running through my head and I can’t stop them thinking. I’ve started up the cutting again (I was good for about 4 months) but now I can’t cope if something happens and it’s not even my fault I feel bad and cut my self but the release I get after is like a calm feeling. It got that bad last year it was like an addiction and I know I’m going backwards because tonight I wanted to cut but have not yet or smash something or run out of the house and go and stand out on the road which I have done several times in the past. I know a lot to do with it at the moment is me being sick. I’ve been sick since October last year and they’re still trying to find out what is wrong with me. It limits me from doing things because the pain is so bad but I’m sure they’ll find something soon. I know I haven’t made much sense and I’m sorry but I’m not in a very good state of mind, after reading what I wrote has really upset me and that’s stuff all that has happened. But it brings back a lot.


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