sKa’rred female

Copyright, sKa’rred female

The first time I cut myself was an accident really and wasn’t meant to trigger off what I do now! I was 12 years old and had loads of family troubles at the time. My parents hated each other and I usually ended up copping all the shit for it. I was sick of getting yelled at for nothing so I went upstairs and did it out of anger mainly. The first time wasn’t so much cutting but more scratching. I sat down hugged my arms round myself and dragged my fingernails deep into the tops of my arms and dragged them down several times digging in harder each time I did it. I carried on till they were so sore but I felt better after it. So everytime I was upset or depressed or angry I would go upstairs and do it again but would do something more drastic each time! Once I turned to using scissors or razor blades I knew I couldn’t do the tops of my arms anymore because it would be too visible so I started to cut my stomach. It got progressively worse until my parents finally split and things calmed down. I still occasionally did it but never as often as I used to. Then over a period of time I ended up stopping around the age of nearly 16. Once I’d given everything a chance to heal I had to look at my body in the mirror because it was such a mess and I knew it was my own stupid fault, that also helped in stopping because I was old enough to understand it better then. I was fine for a while then I got with a new bloke. He also used to cut himself and still did it now and again at the time we were going out (still are). But our relationship was never really right and he used to treat me really badly but I felt the guilt trip of it all and ended up depressed and upset all the time. So one night I got drunk in my room and for some stupid reason had another go at my stomach once I had finished I think I passed out asleep from all the alcohol. Once I woke up I didn’t feel bad about what I had done I didn’t even give it a second thought, this was about 8 months ago. I still continue to get shit from my boyfriend and still continue to do it, but at least he understands what it’s like. The worst thing through all of this is that my best friend once came up and caught me doing it and it’s hurt him because he was upset when he found out. I need help but I cannot let anyone know, and sadly I don’t think I’ve ever admitted it before.


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