Innocence Lost

Copyright Shenna

About three years ago this guy I really liked started paying a lot of attention to me. He was just a friend at first, then he started doing stuff like touching my chest, putting his hands down my pants, and stuff like that. Everytime I told him to stop he would say that I couldn’t stop him and that he would do it anyway. I was fourteen and so was he. He was on the football team so he was stronger than me. Every single day he would do this stuff to me. When he started forcing me to give him oral sex is when I started cutting. A few months later, he made me lose my virginity to him. I remember that day. I cut myself over a hundred times at school that day. I felt like no one cared. My best friends wouldn’t even help me. I took a bottle of some kind of pills, I wanted it to kill me, but it just made me really sick. After I did that, I didn’t want to die. I just wanted to punish myself for what he did to me. For the next year and a half, I cut every single day, any time I could. If I went to the bathroom at school I would cut. If I was on the bus by myself I would cut. It was my whole world. When my boyfriend Cory turned this guy in, for some reason it just made everything a whole lot worse. Soon everyone in my whole school knew that I was a cutter. I had random people coming up to me and saying that I was a freak and asking me why I did it. Here recently, I have stopped cutting so much. I even went three months without doing it. Then my boyfriend started getting extremely violent. He would scream at me and throw stuff for no reason. He made me feel like shit every day and so I started cutting again. Not so much, but enough to make me feel better. Now that Cory and I have broken up, things have just been getting worse and worse. I don’t know what to do anymore. I am going to try to stop, but I just have the feeling that it’s not going to work.


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