Scarred Angel

Copyright, Scarred Angel

My name is Tanya and I have been a self injurer for about 11 years. It all started after sexual abuse when I was very young. And on top of all that I was an 8yr old trying to cope with sexual abuse alone. My mother was a drunk and my father was never there. I was afraid to tell anyone about the sexual abuse so I just bottled it in. By the age of 12 I had already thought about suicide and what kind of pain it would relieve. But then one day I took a cast iron statue of a horse and beat my legs for what seemed like hours. To this day I don’t know why I did this. I was black and blue all over. I told my parents that I had just been playing too rough and that is where the bruises came from. I don’t remember ever feeling any pain. All I remember is the great feeling of releasing my anger and emotions onto myself. I knew that no one could ever find out though. I continued doing that throughout all of my teens. I even had to have surgery on my knee when I beat myself with a hammer when I was 17. Then when I was 18 I got married to a wonderful man. I didn’t self injure as much after than. When I got to feeling down I would sometimes take a book and beat my legs and arms when I was really stressed but for the most part I didn’t do it much. Then in May of this year my husband had a nervous breakdown. I couldn’t understand why this was happening to him. I was so hurt and angry at one time that I thought that I would die. So I discovered cutting. Before long I was slicing away at myself everyday. Two months later I was hospitalized when my husband realized that I was going to commit suicide. I had attempted it once before but failed. I was committed under an emergency by the hospital and put under 24 hour watch. I was there for 4 days and then released to my husband. I got into counseling after that and was started on medication for bipolar disorder which I was diagnosed with in the hospital. I have cut numerous times since but I’m slowly getting better. I don’t know if I will ever stop completely and don’t know if I want to. But for now I just take it a day at a time. Cutting gives me a release from my problems when they build up. I can’t imagine my life without it. But I would also not suggest anyone else to do it. Maybe one day I will stop for good but for now I try not to think to hard about it. Now a days I don’t care who knows about it. I will tell anyone. So maybe one day someone will learn from my mistakes. I’m glad to be here and glad that I found this site. To everyone here, you are in my thoughts and I hope that you will get better from this.


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