Sofie H

My Story

Copyright, Sofie H

Well… I have proudly been free from all really serious self-injurous behaviour and usage of drugs for a little more than eight months and counting.

Before that… Over four years of destroying myself. It all came about from being sick of all the physical and mental abuse my father put me through. I wanted to feel something because I just felt numb. And a pocket knife did the trick, sadly. It controlled me to the point that I quit everything I ever loved. Swimming and music, mainly. I am now 16 and I’ve never felt happier. Music is what has saved me. The flute, mainly. I was forced to teach myself at age five.

At fifteen, I began to realize music’s true power after being assigned a flute solo last April to accompany the choirs for our annual spring concert. I couldn’t handle the pressure and ate marijuana in a gyro a half hour before performing. By the time I was back in the orchestra pit with my violin, I was a wreck and my friend, who shall be know as “violin player” as to protect his identity, vowed to never speak to me again if I don’t get well. I went home that night and woke up the next morning with “stupid” carved in my leg. I didn’t know how it had gotten there.

Right then and there I vowed to devote my full time to music again. I guess “violin player” made me realize how important music is and how empty I felt without it. And how I was so negatively affecting others with my actions and problems. Not like I was ever really open about any of my problems, but drugs are a really sad way to waste a life. Ever since, I’ve gotten every piece of sheet music I could get my hands on… I’ve won competitions, I’ve gotten recognized as an excellent musician.

The only thing still left from those days is that I’ve occasionally starved myself for a few days, like the first week of swim season. (I’ve since decided to devote myself to my school’s swim team.) And I also pick at the hair on my legs (shaving during swim season is a sin) and the area around my belly button until there’s ugly red dots all over the place… But it’s nowhere near what I use to do to myself. Swimming and music are my life. I can swim faster than anyone thought I could, especially on the 100 butterfly. I love that event a lot and I wish to be able to break 1.10 on it by next year.

I’ve picked up a few more instruments in the past eight months including: the bass flute, alto flute, piano, guitar, viola, cello, double bass, sax and I will be learning the clarinet in a few days. I’m self-taught all the way and I love it. My future looks bright. Music education major, woodwind performance minor. I’ve already been accepted in my top five colleges and I’m only a junior in high school.

Life is so much better without being controlled by SI. I hope others can find something that they truly love to devote themselves to that doesn’t leave any painful reminders in the form of scars.


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