Caitlin O

This is Me

Copyright, Caitlin O

I’ve been cutting before I was twelve. I still do at the age of fourteen. Friends who have found out think it’s stupid and meaningless. But they haven’t been through what I have. I was sexually abused between the ages of twelve and thirteen. By two different guys. The first was a friend a year older then me. The secound was my friend’s brother. It happend with a two to three month difference. I didn’t really cut as much as I do now at that point in time. It was when I moved and left behind a person who I loved so much. My boyfriend before I moved is just like me. Cuts, hopes to die and has gotten really close to it. And when I left I got further apart from him. And I let him know. That was not a good idea on my part. It caused me pain. He would hang up. Then call me back asking my permission if he could kill himself. And when I said no he would hang up again. And he doesn’t kid when it comes to death. I knew he was cutting, taking pills, everything he could to make his pain go away. And when someone tries to kill themselves because of you it’s not the best feeling in the world. And that’s what started the more cutting. I used pins, needles, anything, but found scraching with your nail scars better, and hurts a little more then the other things. If not that, a razor. I didn’t want to hurt him. He knew if I had been cutting, I don’t know how but he did. So I’d cut my nails to were I couldn’t scratch myself anymore. And threw away my tools. And if I got mad I’d dance. I’ve danced for ten years. And danced till I couldn’t breathe. Or till I burst into tears. But nails grow back and my mom got more pins, etc. And now I don’t give a damn what my ex boyfriend thinks. We all die sooner or later, why not make it sooner? I know it’s stupid, I know I can get caught. But it doesn’t change the way I feel when I do it.


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