Copyright Carson

I first started cutting when I was eleven which was in 7th grade well it was at least the first time I ever bled on account of that, when I was in 5th grade I scratched at my arm with usally a safety pin or anything that wouldn’t make that much damage. I stopped in 6th but then in the middle of 7th things started to get really weird, I don’t know exactly why I started but I do remember the first day I did it. I was feeling down that day in fact I was feeling down the whole week and it was a saturday so no school, maybe homework but I had more important things to worry about. Like my emotional wellbeing, so the day I was so overwhelmed with emotion that I just couldn’t take it then I remembered wjhat I used to do so I had a safety pin and started scratching at my arm. But that wasn’t working so I upgraded, searching through my moms sewing box I found a little device with a handle on it a saw a sharp circular flat object. Hello fabric cutter. I set it on the inside of my arm and just froze. My mind was going so wild, my eyesight was blurry after having a little argument with myself I started to apply pressure and slowly slide the object across my arm. When I lifted up I saw the white flesh from underneath turn pink then red, I felt a huge relief as the blood began to flow out of my arm. To stop the bleeding for seeping through my long sleeved shirt I taped the cut up and through the day it stung and burned but it was perfect. I felt invincible I found a way to cure my pain all by myself and with a little help from a little friend, no one knew no one even had a clue till I started to have problems in school since my arm was mostly covered in scabs I had to wear a sweatjacket even during gym which everyone pestered for me to take off. I cut daily even when I wasn’t sad I just wanted something to feel and cutting helped me feel something. Then one of my so-called friends started saying to a guy in my class who I so knew didn’t like me that he liked me and guess what he said, ‘ew, she is ugly’. I just wanted to disappear or wither away. He didn’t even stop to think about my feelings I went home that day and cut all up my arm I didn’t care how much it bled I didn’t even try to stop it, I just sat there with those words buring in my head causing my fire of anger. Finally I got over it and I don’t exactly how but I developed a crush not on the fag who made me feel like nothing but on the funny kid of my english class I’ll call him Jack but Jack liked my friend Manny and to make matters worse I had to try and get them together because they like each other. I was cutting more and more but not the deep just to get something out of it, see this was like a drug to me and I was addicted, it was like a natural high to me. Somehow my friends found out and told me to stop I said ‘OK’ but didn’t and every time they found a new cut they would threaten me and say if I kept cutting they would tell the counselor. I didn’t care I was enjoying the attention on account of me being a high maintenance person, but forgot what would happen if my parents found out. See me and my parents aren’t tight or close or anything we don’t give hugs, kisses or any type of affectionate thing to them or to me. Not even a I love you. It’s just not who we are. Well I then actually wanted to stop so I wrote a note to my friend and she must have lost it because next thing you know I’m in the counselors office being sent to the appointed school physcatrist, she thought I might have had some type of personality disorder and was then diagnosed with depression but since she’s not a doctor I was suppossed to go to one but my uncaring parents never took me cause they just don’t give a shit. Even when she told them about my problem they disregarded it my saying I was stupid and if I got an infection it would be my fault (can’t you just feel the love?). I stopped after they found out and sought out to repair the damage I caused at school have a perfect few weeks left of school they were horrible even though I am a well known person with many friends there were only some who I kind of trusted but not that much, I never did tell them why I started cutting. They were my four best friends and I lost one she ditched us on the last day of school and while I was mopeing around I forgot my other friends. The summer was horrible the pain was unbearable my parents were just fucking up mad and there wasn’t a thing I could do, I still had the same hopeless crush no one to talk to and was very lonely. Even though I share a room with my older sister and my little sister shares a room with my parents, she doesn’t seem to care on account of her having down syndromes she’s in her own little world. Our tiny ugly house all together only had five rooms and they were small, the two bedrooms, the one bathroom, the kitchen, and the living/dining/whatever room. We had to put the dryer in the kitchen and the washer machine in the bathroom. No tub just a shower a very crappy one too. My life at home isn’t one to brag or even talk about. I started cutting again but since they took away the fabric cutter I used my razor, most of the cuts I used to have turned to scars which were on my arm but this time I went straight for the wrist and I felt the pain followed by the soothing feeling that I missed. To cope with everything I found a poetry site called allpoetry and started writing, the praise I got from my work was great but when no one viewed or I didn’t get enough comments I would go into a deep depression. During that time I realized that I was fat and wanted to do something about it I had always been a fat kid. So I became bulimic and the results were great the first week because after I went to Richmond I gained weight and wound up locking myself in the bathroom crying ang beating at my stomach. Also to deal with the pain I made up a person and convinced myself that he was real his name is Dylan and he was australian and is real to me that is, he helped me with everything he was like my savior he even helped me with my cutting and stopped for that time we were together, he loved me and I loved him. Then school was about to start back up and he just left he was gone and I called for him and he still didn’t come back. I went to school that year a wreck and my classes just made things worse, I knew no one in some of my classes and didn’t want to know them. I felt the worst rejection from my friend the one who ditched me on the last day of school she just wanted to hang with other people cause she said I was different, mean, cold hearted and had an attitude. I couldn’t help it because all of a sudden I was feeling anger one minute sad the next and total happy and fine like nothing ever happen one of my friends told me. All of this started in gym when I developed another crush and he was in my gym and rode my bus. Since he was spanish he flirted with all the girls which got me jealous all he ever did was talk to me… about girls. The new friends I met who rode my bus I told them I thought he was OK and you know whaht they did they went and told him one day while on the way to the high school to pick the high school kids up they said ‘Carson likes you’. I objected by saying ‘hell no I don’t’. and he say ‘carsons ugly I’d rather date anyone else but her’. Once again I was crushed with all the rejections with everything that day I didn’t eat I wrote a poem, cut, and fell asleep hoping I would die. 8th grade was the worst year ever and my dumbass parents just made things worst by not paying the bills and getting the phone cut off even through that I didn’t cut because I had stopped I was through and I just wanted to die. I was constantly getting in arguments with my friends acting rude and nasty towards everyone calling them names saying things I would never say. Some forgave me some didn’t I didn’t give a shit.even though he called me ugly I still liked him and he transvered out of my gym class and was now in my study hall. When he was in my gym class I couldn’t function and when he left I still couldn’t I always got in trouble and when I got sent to the office I got in even more because my dean was a asshole. I would always cuss at people and argue I just couldn’t help it I was fed up and was starting to hate everybody. Towards the end of the year I stopped I was nice and had a lot of friends again and on the last day of school I got a makeover by my two new friends who I acted rudely to and got to go to one of their next door neighbors pool it was fun and I fell asleep happy that day, but things soon fell apart my dumbass dad fucked things up and we had barely any money whatsoever because he cashed a scam check he got through the mail (not the brightest one) and even though we had no money for grocery he tried and forked up the money to go to this bullshit retarded church thing in Richmond which I forced to go to every summer forgot to tell you my parents are Jehovahs witnesses lucky me. they care more about God than me I fought I screamed I cussed to not go I said really mean things but still went, I was pissed. I became bulimic again and sometimes I wouldn’t eat at all, I was a wreck. When school was about to start up our water got cut off because my dumbass dad didn’t pay. It was off for two whole days the worst days of my life and while I was bitching and moaning to the two grownups I just happen to be living with, my dad got pissed because I told him it was his fault why I’m so screwed up and that I was deprived because I was. So he kicked me out told me to leave, now I’m only thirteen years old and he tells me to leave it’s at night and he tells me to leave so I left. I had to come back though, he’s a bad parent doesn’t care about anyone except himself. He can’t even watch my little sister. School’s about to start where’s my clothes still no clothes but I got one new outfit for the first day and had some other ones but not a lot. I liked my classes for school I was now in high school most of my friends are in them and I made new ones I felt so happy because my life was starting to make sense. I didn’t go to school the last two days of the first week of school because I had no clothes. Then I found out that the electricity was going to be cut off and they wouldn’t know when it would be on. I was so pissed so was my sister in fact she cussed out my dad and got kicked out she’s sixteen she went to my aunts who lived up the street I was mad I was crying I was cussing and then my other aunt came so we left with her for one day. the electricity didn’t get cut off because they are paying but I still need stuff for school. My mom’s family gave us some money for clothes and we went shopping. I’m glad that whole thing is over because I didn’t cut I wanted so badly to cut to kill myself but I didn’t I felt strong fighting the urge. But now things are getting bad because I still don’t have all the stuff I need my dad is being a lazy bum, my mom is just stupid and my sisters are just I just hate my whole family and need to get out. I’m still not being treated for my depression, I might have borderline personality disorder even at my age, I could get it worst as a adult if untreated and controlled which is what is happening right now. I go into mood swings in school my period I’m sad, then I’m happy then I’m mad and sometimes I can’t find my voice I can’t talk I go into my own little world. I have little knowledge of who I am and either I hate someone or I like someone no inbetweens. My grades are bad because I am so disorganized and I am overwhelmed with envy for other people, especially the girls who are way prettier than me. All my life I hahve wanted to be something but am sadly still nothing, the girls who were in my elementarary school were mean and in second grade I started stealing I have no clue why, I stopped for a while then in 3rd grade started again I stole a girl purse which contained 150 dollars, and some makeup and don’t know why I did. I didn’t care about money I just took it and caught in trouble. In first grade I brought in drugs and got in school I had to sit in the principals office for three days. I’m confused on who I am and I haven’t told you everything in this story because somethings I can’t remember I just started to remember just as I was typing this up and have started cutting again. I don’t know why it just happened and I’m afraid that this is it for me. I’m afraid to ask for help because I tried to tell my counsellor but he doesn’t understand I couldn’t tell him how I felt what I’ve been through. Because I need my middle school counsellor she knows me, he doesn’t and I hate him for disregarding me I hate my friends for not understanding and how the guys play around with my friends but ignore me. Why because I don’t get involved I’m to depressed and right now I’m just rambling on. I’m bad at writing. Well, good luck to everyone who is not me.


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