Psyke.org

Charlotte

Help

Copyright, Charlotte

I’m sitting around thinking should I really be here at school? I’m sitting at home thinking should I really be here, wherever I go I sit and think and say to myself ‘I don’t belong here, I don’t belong anywhere’. Is there anyone out there that feels the same way? Or anyone out there that can help me? Contact me please.

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Copyright, Charlotte

I started cutting when I was ten. I can’t remember exacly why I started but I think it was because I couldn’t take the bullying. At first it scared me, because I didn’t realise I was doing it. But after a while I learnt to enjoy the pain. It gave a temporary distraction to the pain going on inside my head, it was somthing real. I’m fifteen now. Sometimes I manage to stop for a while but I always end up cutting again. In fact I’ve got worse since I moved to upper school. People found out I was bi and everyone turned on me. Things at home were difficult too. I felt constantly isolated and alone, like I was a worthless freak. Every day I had to put up with the ridicule, the name calling, people trying to beat me up. Over christmas I tried to kill myself because it got too much. I suppose the reason I cut now is because it helps me to forget everything that’s happened, and it makes the voices in my head go away. My friends try to help, theyr’e the only ones that understand because they cut too. They take my blades off me and try to stop me when I want to cut. They’re the only people I trust. When I’m not allowed to cut I get people to bite me so I’m covered in bruises. I suppose that’s self harm too. A few days ago my cuts and bruises got discovered while I was having my BCG jab, they made me see the school nurse. She told me I was wrong in the head, that my friends were evil and were using me, that biting was abnormal and no one else did it, that because I’m fifteen and one of the people who bite me is sixteen it was abuse and she would have to inform people. That screwed my head up so badly I was in pieces for over two hours. I’m scared now that they’re going to tell my mum and I’ll get sent away. The woman said she was concerned and wanted to help but she wouldn’t listen to me. How is that supposed to be help? I don’t know what to do now. Sometimes I want to cut so badly that I can’t stop shaking. I don’t want help from them, I want to be left alone, and rely on my friends, but they’re not going to let me.

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Copyright, Charlotte

I was 13 years old and at that age you would think everything should be perfect no problems or nothing but it is never like that if I could I would tell you all about what has happened to me for the past 2 years but it would take hours so I will tell you a short version of my life well the last 2 years of it anyway. I started hurting myself for about 3 months it was just little scratches on my arm this was because people were picking on me. It was getting worse because I thought I was over weight and didn’t eat and made myself sick and it was horrible because everybody said I wasn’t overweight but I didn’t listen anyway I cut myself for about a year then my mum started going out with this man and she started ignoring me so I started going out all the time getting drunk taking drugs and stuff my mum didn’t have a clue about this. Recently I was raped and now I cut my wrists really bad all over my legs and it is getting stupid. I do want to stop but I know I can never stop so there is no point I want to die but I tried to kill myself once on an overdose but I just ended up in hostpital which was shit. I want to tell you every little detail but it is too long to write about 2 years of misery in detail!

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Copyright, Charlotte

Many people ask me why? Why did I cut myself, why did I take an overdose, why did I want to kill myself that bad, well I had a lot of pain inside of me that was hurting me a lot, and the way to get pain out was to cut and get it out, at the time when I was doing it, it was fine it seemed the right thing to do, I felt I had to punish myself, but now when I look at my scars and look back on what I did I feel so ashamed and angry with myself. I really hate myself sometimes, my cutting has left me a lot of scars many on my arms legs and stomach and I wish they were not there.

Then I found out my sister was doing it, it hurt a lot and then I knew that when I cut myself I was hurting a lot of people around me, my sister died from harming herself I was the one who found her, it hurt a lot, pain not many of you will have had, I wanted to kill myself so badly I was so angry, I became different from all the other people around me started hanging with the wrong people started taking drugs, I then had a wakeup call when my grandad didn’t want to know me anymore. Why I bet you ask, we were so close. I got through it and many of you can get through it, all you need to do is say to yourselves: “I AM GONNA STOP!”

To all my fellow people out there keep real and remember, nothing is that bad you wanna die! Peace to you all.

 

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