My Secret Scars

Copyright, Catrina

I am a 23 year old mother of 4. I had all my children very young, and I got married at 17 years old. For as long as I can remember I have used some form of self injury. When I was little I would pull my hair or bite my self. I feel that I started hurting myself because I felt so much inner pain, I didn’t know how to express it. My father is an alcoholic and my mother obsessively cleaned to forget her feelings. She rarely had time for me. I felt that I had no one. I got pregnant when I was 17 so I could get out of my house. Little did I know being a “grown-up” was not so easy. I have had my share of problems since being married. I have been hospitalized 6 or 7 different times this past year. The cutting didn’t start until this year. I found that it makes me feel better than anything I have done before. I thought it would hurt at first, but to my enjoyment, and surprise it didn’t. I cut so deep that I usually need stitches, but my excuses started to run out. I feel like nobody understands why I have the need to do it. My Dr. has tried to put me on medication but it hasn’t worked for the cutting. He doesn’t understand either. It is like I have to do it sometimes, or I feel like I will explode. I love and I hate who I am.


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