Copyright, Catie

I don’t really know how this will help anyone, but I guess it just makes me feel less alone.

I’ve benn toeing the line of suicide since, oh, about seventh grade. Now I’m about to enter tenth and I still haven’t dealt with it.

People who don’t cut don’t understand it. I’ve tried to explain it to the few who know but they either call me stupid or just try and parallel it to something completely unrelated.

I’ve been dealing with feeling like this for a while, my best friend is a “self-injurer” but she doesn’t get me either. I know that people think that it’s just for attention but until they’ve done it for themselves, they don’t know. I know that this isn’t anything new to anyone, but it’s helping me.

The need/want to cut has been there for about a year and a half. After many particularly nasty fights with my mother about things I had no control over, I just couldn’t take it. I still can’t. Every time something goes wrong I run to my razor blades. Hell, when I was looking in the bathroom one night and I found about five brand new razorblades, it was like my birthday.

I guess it all started after a fight with my mother on my boyfriend and I’s sixth month anniversary. My mother started calling me a conniving bitch who used people, basically the usual bullshit. I flipped out. I couldn’t handle it. I started bawling and I took a piece of aluminum and just started ripping at my skin. I felt so relieved after. And the next night I did it, only this time with an exacto knife blade/razor blade. I’ve been doing it ever since. But now everytime I do it, I’m always reminded of my father, who blamed his own suicidal intentions on me. That gets me everytime, it makes me want to drive it deeper, because I feel like all I do is cause other people misery.

I can’t wear a bathing suit around my family or my friend’s families anymore. I rarely wear shorts, and I wear long sleeves all the time now, even though it’s summer. Sometimes, I wish I didn’t cut myself, I wish I would stop. But do people realize that cutting is what’s keeping me here? I could just as easily go into my cabinet and take out a bottle of asprin and swallow the whole thing.

I guess that’s all. Feel free to contact me.


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