Copyright Carrie

She lived in a condo; she had all the clothes she could want, though she didn’t want much. She had a gorgeous room; four-poster stained oak bed, balcony, beautiful vanity. She kept it dark. All deep, finished wood. That was just the way she liked it. Her mother was always kind to her. Her father was dead, otherwise nice. Before he’d died, he had inherited his father’s fortune, making the family rich. The ‘popular’ kids had tried and failed to be her friends. She had the perfect boyfriend. But she didn’t want to live.

Lily’s boyfriend, Joshua, loved her like the sun loved the moon. They’d been together two years. Lily loved him just as much, maybe more. But one day she told him, she just couldn’t take the pain.

‘I feel so helpless. I’m in despair all the time. I can’t talk about it, only to you, or else it hurts so much’, she had whispered one night. ‘I feel like I can’t put the true pain into words, it’s so bad. It’s all inside of me… I can’t get it out. I can only try. I just wish it was different. Then maybe…’. A small, forlorn sob. ‘I could live out my life with you. I love you so much, Josh’, she added quietly. ‘And I want to be with you, so bad. But my pain… overcomes me… I can’t take it anymore… I don’t know how to fix it, I barely know what it is or why it’s there. I was born to want to die. And I couldn’t do it without telling you first’.

Josh found it hard to accept. Holding back his rebellious tears, he said, ‘Lily… I… I don’t understand…’ His blue eyes looked so pleading, so sweet.

She moved closer to him, taking a hand in hers. Not able to look at him, she said, ‘I just feel so small… I don’t feel unaccepted. Nobody thinks I’m weird, because… because nobody knows. I’m just so… depressed all the time. I feel like crying. I feel like hurting myself. I feel like I’m going crazy, Josh! I can’t take it anymore, I just can’t!’ she added defiantly, letting out another small sob and leaning on his shoulder.

‘But you always seem so happy when we’re together. I can’t let you go, and you can’t leave me!’ he said, sounding defeated. ‘I… I love you too much’. He closed his eyes, resting his chin on Lily’s head. Two small tears escaped involuntarily. He ran his fingers through her soft black-brown hair, his face sweet and sad.

She didn’t say anything. She couldn’t. There was a moment of loving silence.

Finally, Josh said he couldn’t live without her and they decided to go together.

* * *

So there they were. Josh had called, sounding small and downhearted, and only said two words: ‘I’m ready.’ He came to her condo, dressed in all black. Black sweater, black jeans. Black everything he could think of. She snuck him in. With a gentle kiss, she told him to go wait in her room. She went to the bathroom. Got her mother’s sleeping pills and muscle relaxation pills.

When she got to her room, Josh was sitting by her bed, hugging his knees, his hood up. She couldn’t see his eyes. For a minute, she hesitated. She wasn’t sure that was the same gentle, loving Josh she thought he was. But then he looked up. Those precious blue eyes brushed her fears away. She went to him, sat down beside him, and intertwined their fingers. ‘Are you sure?’ she asked quietly, her voice small in the whole of it all. He nodded, and said, ‘I’m sure because, wherever this takes us, I’m going to be with you.’

She nodded, unable to express her love as he did. Instead, a simple ‘I love you’ and a steady flow of silent tears told him all he needed to know.

Her hands shaking, she pushed down on and opened the lid of the newly prescribed bottles. She put all of it into her hand, and gave half to Josh. ‘It… it doesn t hurt’, she said uncertainly.

Josh smiled in spite of it all. ‘I’d die a thousand painful deaths for you.’

Taking a deep breath, she said, ‘Just… swallow…’

And that’s what they did. A few moments afterwards, they crawled into Lily’s bed, Josh wrapped his arms around her, she held on to him, suddenly feeling a wave of scared relief. After a minute of silent goodbyes and precious quiet, the sleeping pills made them drift off into a world they wouldn’t come back from. And it was true. They never did wake up.


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