This is a collection of the seven poems I wrote to ease my angry feelings that sometimes led to cutting.

Die Inside

Copyright, Hawke

Some think it’s so easy,
Draw the blade away from the flesh,
Get rid of the temptation,
The urge.
Pain is only temporary, for it will always go away,
Not my pain, my pain clings to my insides,
Ripping my heart and soul apart like tissue paper,
As I carve my life’s story into the part of me you see.
This one for the time you left me,
That one for all the times he yelled,
Those for the times you forgot about my pain,
And this one for the time you lied.
Over and over again the jagged red lines mark me,
scar me,
Always and forever a reminder of my misery,
How it was too much for me.
You tell me to stop my self pain inside and out,
That it’s so easy to quit the addiction,
Well, it’s like smoking or drinking,
You cannot and will not ever stop in a single night,
In a single day.
With this pain I give myself,
It’s my poison, my addiction,
I can’t stop as easily as you may think I can, no matter how strong I am,
Can you see my pain now? The bleeding lines upon my flesh?
Can you bloody see anything?
Or are you like everyone else, blind to my life and my pain,
Deaf to my ongoing screams to be free from my pain.
So still I draw the pin across my flesh,
Still I spill my life force,
Still I cry,
Still I die,

What Angels See

Copyright, Hawke

Dark red crimson rivers of her being’s blood
Another scar to show the hardships of her imperfection
Failures corrected by a knife pressed to her milky white skin
Emotional pain blended in with the physical
A temporary solution to despair.

The gasps of pain and the surge of tears echoing through the bathroom stall
Standing petrified as she draws the broken shard across her delicate wrist
Dying to help, to stop her self mutilation, but unable to move at all
Begging her to stop her self inflicted pain, but hearing your words hit her invisible barrier
Desperate thoughts flashing through your panicked brain, warning her of taking action
A moment of hesitation
You dash down the hall, pouring the situation to the closest school nurse.

Pleading, threatening her to come out and talk to them about what troubles her
Your shaking voice the only one she truly hears through her pain and tears
You follow her out, horrified with the notion of what she could have done
Not knowing and not wanting to know how badly the cut could be
Watching the placid, dead look within her once twinkling eyes
Wondering what troubles such a kind hearted soul.

Forced to let the “professionals” handle your best friend
You leave knowing in your heart you did the right thing, but still doubting your decision
Hot tears streaming down your face as you try not to contemplate the severity of the situation
So desperate to know what could have caused her such unbearable emotional pain
Calling upon others in hopes that they may know more than you, but knowing they know nothing
Shaken by the sounds you heard through the bathroom stall
A sound you heard just once before.

Blaming yourself for her hurt and pain, claiming you could have prevented her from cutting again
Your heart breaking into bloodied, sparkling shards when you realize the limits of your help
Frustrated that you can’t do more to assist your troubled friend
Trying to help her and comfort your other friends as well wears you to the soul
Why must such gentle souls fall into such sorrow and despair?
Why must friends be so restricted in their abilities to help?
Why must blood and pain always be the answer?
Why must we blind ourselves by emotional turmoil?

Kneeling Upon My Own Grave

Copyright, Hawke

Hot tears of sorrow drip upon the grave,
Mourning the loss of earth’s gentle angel,
Longing to feel the soft brown skin,
The warm fingers,
Longing to hear her laughter once again,
Her heart felt gaiety,
Wishing to embrace her one last time,
Feeling her holding tight as if they will disappear shall she let go.
Sitting with long legs dangling over a dead tree branch,
She watches as everyone she ever loved cries tears of regret,
And despair.
One by one they leave until no one is left,
Until nothing remains but flowers upon her grave.
Alone at last, the girl slips out of the tree and kneels upon her grave,
Her soft brown eyes reading the words upon the tombstone,
Born 1986,
Died 2004.
A beautiful life ended at only seventeen simply because she never learned,
Never learned she was loved,
Loved by family and friends and everyone who ever met her,
No second chances now, no going back so she can try again.
She said the pain would end once she was gone since she would, after all,
Be dead.
Now that she is, she is left to wander the world forever alone,
Forever unseen,
She can finally realize the pain her death caused to those who loved her,
But most of all she can realize the pain her death caused,

Winged Solider

Copyright, Hawke

A soldier with wings of dreams
A sword of light
A shield of hope.
A battle he does wage
Against a foe of evil make.
Not afraid of hurt or pain,
Not afraid to fight the night.
One man against the darkness,
A curtain against the soul.
Fight dark with light
Light with dark.
Injustice will not make a stand,
Before the winged soldier it is slain.
A battle to show the lighted path
To those whose path is wrong.
To pull the troubled, darkened soul
Back to the light and joy.
The pain of the troubled he does feel,
His voice adds to their cries,
The blood does mingle here,
Two parts become just one.
If you cannot stand alone, I will help you stand.
If you cannot hear the truth, I will give you ears.
If you cannot care for yourself, at least you care for me.
Not everyone can see your pain,
Not everyone can know.
Stop your endless torment,
Release your darkened soul.
An angel, a soldier he will be,
A war he fights for a shadowed soul.
This is my commitment, my promise to thee,
To be your shield against the malevolent sea.

Forgotten Girl

Copyright, Hawke

Not here, unseen,
Crying alone, suffering alone,
Wanting to be comforted and wanting to cringe and hide away at the same time.
Stay away form me, I will only bring you pain,
Come closer, tell me everything will be all right,
I long for you with all my heart and soul,
I despise you when I see your blind eyes and hear your honeyed words.
You hurt me every minute of every day of every month of every year,
You help me always and forever until the day I die,
Until the day you disappear.
Don’t touch me with your hands covered in the dirt of your lies,
Hug me close to you, let me feel the warmth radiating from your heart,
I cry for you, your understanding and devotion to me,
I spit upon you, scream at you for the countless times you broke my heart
and left me in pain.
My pain is projected upon you, so you become my outlet,
The person who made everything wrong,
So I scream at you,
So I insult you,
So I spit at you,
So I berate you,
So I hurt you,
My words the swords that slash at you and add to your guilt and shame.
Your pain,
My pain,
I cannot tell them apart, they are fused as one within my heart,
Feeding upon my soul until nothing is left but a dark, pain infested shell of who I once was,
But there already wasn’t anything left, I already was an empty vessel of hurt and pain.
How could the added pain hurt me anymore?
My lighted soul was replaced by a dark, sinister soul,
That blinded me to all the joys,
The deafened me to the wonderful noise,
That embittered me to the Truth of life,
That caused me spew the worst of my pain back at you.
Inside I’ve died a thousand deaths over you and everything you say and do to me,
All of your honest mistakes.
I’ve ripped apart the petals of the rose that is my heart and love,
Watched as the petals burst into flame and fell upon my grave,
I broke free of the grave you dug for me, only to be thrown back in by the look in your eyes,
Your disgust and lies.
I watched as everyone I loved turned away from my grave, believing me dead,
I watched as my wings reflected the sunlight, flying alone when you left me,
I felt the pain when you broke my wings and thew me back down to the darkened world,
I screamed when you ripped your love from my heart and fed it to another,
I cried when you dug my heart from my chest, stole the care you had for me and bestowed it upon your new love, tossing my heart back in my face with a laugh and an evil smile.
So now you leave me alone here with my broken, bleeding heart resting in my hands,
So you leave me to fend for myself in the unforgiving, pain filled lands,
Like a forgotten toy tossed upon a dusty shelf,
You forget about me as you turn to another.
I scream and cry, my voice echoing off the bare canyon walls,
I hear no one, not you, not her, not them
No one.
All I hear is myself, the forgotten girl,
The one no one cares about anymore,
The one consumed by her hurt and pain,
The invisible girl waiting for a train that will never come.
This is me, this is who I am destined to be,
The invisible
Forgotten girl that no one remembers.
The girl humanity

Nobody’s Listening

Copyright, Hawke

Heart breaking, my breath is failing,
Inside my soul is fading, fading away,
What I hear, what you said to me that day,
Warm, poisonous arrows shot into my heart, my soul.
Blood spills inside, outside over what you told me,
What I heard from you,
Simple words transformed into twisting, burning pain.
Tears spilling from eyes clouded by jealousy and hurt,
A never ending, flowing river of sorrow,
No words of sympathy can dam the flow,
No kiss can heal the wounds bleeding inside of me.
I scream for you loud and clear,
But nobody’s listening.
Confused, lost in my own world of darkness and misery,
No stars here to show me the way back,
No kind voice to guide me away from my doom,
No touch to encourage me.
All alone here, pounding on my invisible barriers between me and you,
Walls I built with my anger and pain.
Matchsticks blown out by the demons surrounding me,
Candles crushed by the pressing blackness.
No light here, none,
Nowhere, anywhere.
Your voice echoes around me,
Over and,
Over again I hear the words you spoke to me that day,
The day you killed me,
The day my soul died and, I still went on living with the pain you handed to me on a silver platter,
The day you dug my grave and buried me alive.
I found my own way out, clawing through the dirty lies pilled on top of me,
Ripping through the weeds of despair you planted over me,
No flowers laid upon my grave by those who loved and cared for me,
You stole them from me,
Kept them away from me,
Told them everything was all right.
I cried out for them, for you,
But no one was listening.
Still I cry,
Still I scream,
But nobody’s listening.

Forget Me Not

Copyright, Hawke

Picking off the petals of the single black rose,
Tears dripping from my eyes as the petals fall upon my grave,
Hearing the petals hiss and catch flame as they land upon the fresh dug dirt.
As I rip off another petal, I bite back a cry of pain,
As the skin upon my fingers blackens and burns away,
But I don’t care about the pain, I don’t feel it,
All I feel is the pain of losing you.
Ripping and tearing my heart apart into those rainbow shards you know so well,
Spewing the pieces back in my face, blood and all,
I don’t care as the blood of my own ruined heart slips slowly down my face,
Mixing with my tears.
You smile back at me, your eyes hard and cruel,
Your words promising and kind, but your heart turns cold,
Unable to love me like I love you.
Even after I showed you, allowed you,
To be who you really are,
Even after all the times you’ve been there for me when my soul fell into darkness,
Even after you told me I’m your kindred spirit,
Even after you admitted you still love me,
You leave me in darkness.
The dark black petals continue to fall,
Continue to burn away the flesh of my fingers,
He loves me,
He loves me not.
My being crumples and breaks away, slipping into the grave,
Leaving me as a shadow of who I once was,
A being of pain and suffering,
Ignorant to happiness and joy,
Feeding and thriving upon scars and bruises of the past,
Hiding behind the devil’s mask.
I refuse to come back into the light,
Refuse to see the love the world bestows upon me.
One last petal upon the rose,
I pull it off and watch as it drifts,
Down, down until it lands upon the fresh grave,
My grave.
Hot, angry tears splash from my unseeing eyes,
I cry again,
Once more I cry,
For you.
Roses never lie,
And so inside I die,
My life and love you forgot,
For you love me not.


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