Addicted Angel

Copyright, Addicted Angel

I just cut myself for the first time a few days ago. I guess I did it because I felt like I had no control over anything in my life and when I cut myself, I did. I had been pretty happy and everything but recently it’s just been a facade. All my friends and family get used to seeing me happy all the time that they never realize the anger and frustration and complete numbness that I’ve been feeling. When I’m with people I’m fine, even if I’m not, I just pretend to be because why would they care about what I’m going through? I know this may sound incredibly mean but I get so sick of people coming to me for advice and to talk to because when my friends are talking about what jerks their boyfriends are and how annoying their parents are, I keep thinking about how it would be if I could kill myself because I don’t want to feel like I do all the time. No one around me thinks I’m going through anything at all. I just wish that I had a way to get all my anger and frustration out of me because I’ll be the first to admit that I keep everything to myself and let it build up and when it becomes too much I completely withdraw myself from people but now it’s getting worse. I don’t know why I decided to do what I did but I was just sitting at my desk and I started playing with a pen knife and I just started running the worn out blade on my skin over and over again and for the first time in so long I didn’t feel the pain or the anger. All I felt was control. But now, I’m really scared because I came to this website and I saw pictures of people’s scars and I really don’t want to end up like that. I want to stop but the only way for me to do that is to find a way to get all these feelings out of me but I don’t know how. Here are some of my diary entries just before I cut myself for the first time and after that.

2003-10-07 3:10pm

It’s happening again. This feeling is back. I want to let it all out but I can’t. I want to get it out of me because it’s making me crazy. It’s making me angry and I’m mad at everyone but I don’t know why. I’m failing. Why can’t he (my father) just accept it? I’m so happy that his life is back on track but what about mine? Nothing can stop this noise. It’s driving me crazy. The silence is driving me crazy too because of everything I hear in it. I don’t know what I want right now. I don’t know if I’d be able to handle my life right by myself. I don’t know what’s happening to me. I feel so trapped. I’m hysterical and numb at the same time. I’m sick and tired about hearing people bitch and obsess about things going on in their lives. I’m the only goddamn person they come to. Who do I turn to? I want to tell someone but who would understand? My friends, I just wish they would fuck off! I need freakin’ space. I can’t breathe like that! I don’t want to be telling them that I’m not mad at them every time I don’t feel like fucking smiling at them. I wish they would just leave me alone sometimes.

2003-10-07 11:15pm

I just cut myself. I never thought it would come to this. I’m scared because I liked it. I know my head has been all screwed up today but this made me feel in control. I didn’t feel any pain or any anger or sadness or frustration or anything else. I felt control over myself and I felt high on the control. It’s the opposite of every fucking thing and every fucking person in my life right now. I felt no pain then but I feel it right now. Once the rush is gone, it’s back to how it was before. I hope this doesn’t get out of hand. I just need one person. One person who can help me get my life back together because I can’t do it alone! I’ve tried but I really can’t. I’m afraid, alone and frustrated and I just need someone to help me! I’m killing myself like this.


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