Copyright, Amethyst

The first time I cut was 2 years ago when I was 17. It was after coming home from my mother’s colleague’s wedding. Being the anti social creature that I am (rarely smile, don’t like talking to people in public, feel awkward around strangers to the point of feeling physically ill sometimes) I didn’t smile or laugh or talk very much, but just tried to be as quiet as possible (if you don’t say anything, you can’t say the wrong thing.) Then when we got home mum told me I’d ruined the night for everyone, I was worthless, I didn’t make an effort, I was an embarrassment and that her new work friends wouldn’t like her or invite her anywhere again.

I asked her where the hammer was, went to my room, smashed apart a disposable razor, took out the blade and sliced into myself. My left wrist began to bleed, I was in a daze; just cutting, not necessarily as deep as I would in the future, but continuously. Didn’t even realize what I was doing. I felt so much better afterwards, for every tear I felt like shedding, I left a scar. Like I was replacing one emotion with another; pain suddenly replaced rejection.

I dressed my arm. I continued my new found coping mechanism. I found excuses to explain why I was wearing bandages at work. I covered the scars — for a while. I find I cut for the blood more than anything. I cut when I was frustrated for eating something I thought I shouldn’t. I cut when I had a fight with my boyfriend, I cut when I was bored, I cut when I was drunk, I cut for attention.

I always used a razor blade. Being a fan, I once carved “john” (as in singer John Lennon) into my leg with a piece of glass. My boyfriend asked questions - still doesn’t comprehend. His parents think I’m crazy, my friend can’t understand it, my mother overlooks it as long as I clean up the bathroom afterwards, and the rest of society either stares or shows me their scars. I haven’t cut for about 2 months now, though it seems like a lot longer, and dont feel the urge at the time of writing. However, had I the need, I would not hesitate.


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