Airreal Lewis


Copyright Airreal Lewis

I don’t remember the exact day that I started to cut but I remember that it was in december of my freshmen year. I don’t think I really started because of pain or anything. I mean a lot of bad shit has happened in my life but we all get over it… so I thought. My life actually was going pretty well. I had good grades, I was making all these new friends, and I had the hottest senior boyfriend that would have done anything to help but I never let him know. So there I was in this pretend world where everything was good and I hated it. Nothing seemed real. Like the song by third eye blind (I think). ‘You bleed just to know your alive’ and that’s how I felt. So I started out slow just cutting my wrist every other day before bed or before I went to school. I did this for about three months or so when one night I was home alone and cut too deep. I called all my two best friends and cried forever. That was when I knew I need to stop. So that night when my parents came home I showed my cuts to my parents. My dad freaked out and almost took me to a hospital right then. But for some reason my mom was calm. She just looked at me and asked what I wanted to do, either go to the hospital then or go see my therapist the next day. So I picked my second choice and went to my therapist a couple days later. She helped and finally stopped. Until November the next year. I had just broken up with my boyfriend of eight months and everything was going down the tubes. So I did it again. This time on my arms. But only for a couple of times. And then I realised no one was worth the blood. So months went by and the summer rolled around and I started whoring it up. I just started having sex with the most random people just because they wanted to and I thought I wanted to also. Well one night I had sex with this really drunk guy who at the time seemed sweet. Said all the right things and all the bullshit that I had never heard from the other boys I had had sex with. I really thought that he meant everything he said. Until the next morning when I found out that he was trying to get with my best friend. So I went home and got into the shower and cut away. Not for him or my mistakes but for every lie that had come out of his mouth the night before. Now it is December and I can’t stop. I don’t do it now because of the obvious reasons but because I don’t know how to stop. My parents don’t talk about it even though they know about it. My mom threatened to ground me and all the same old parent stuff but I still couldn’t stop. The scars on my arms are huge and purple and I hate them. I do it cause now I don’t cry and I don’t care. But I want to stop. I haven’t done it in about two weeks or so which is good. And my mom bought me this scar lotion stuff to help hide them. But now I’m lost at night when I go to cut I can’t. Plus my ex boyfriend is back in my life and he won’t like that I do it. He will think that I’m doing it because of him or for attention. So I’m stopping. But I don’t want a boy to be the reason I stop. I want to stop for the right reasons. Reasons that are good for me and not for him.


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