My Hopeless Story

Copyright Alysha

Staring at the beginning I suppose is a good place to start. About a year and a half ago I was with this guy named Steven. It was pretty good but then he started becoming really abusive with me and my two best friends at the time. I started cutting, hoping that the more I hurt myself the less he would hurt me. Stupid theory but that’s how I thought. After I had enough guts to break up with him I stopped cutting. I hadn’t cut for almost a year, then I just had the most intense urge to cut again. And I gave in. I was cutting for about two months before I really felt like I had to tell someone about it. I couldn’t tell my current best friend because she is really sheltered and doesn’t understand things like that. So I told my current boyfriend about it. He kept asking me to stop and asking me why I was cutting. I couldn’t stop or give him any reasons, but I told him that I would try to stop. That time I ended up stopping for three days and then I had a relapse. I told him that I stopped for a while but then started again and he told me that he could start cutting too because he had legitimate reasons. Then he told me that I was the reason that he stopped smoking weed and that I was the reason that he wanted to start again. He said that he wanted to start so that he wouldn’d have to think about what I’m doing to myself. So I stopped. For two weeks and five days. He doesn’t know that I’ve started yet again. This time I’m smart enough to know that telling him isn’t the best idea. I don’t need this to ruin his life as it is ruining mine.

The reasons for starting again? For the past two or so weeks I keep getting this feeling that he likes my best friend. He says that he loves me and doesn’t like her, but that’s not something that you would tell your girlfriend. It’s been stressing me out intensely and then I started talking with my best friend’s boyfriend. And he started telling me that my boyfriend treated me like crap and that I needed to find a reason for staying with him. I’m currently having trouble finding this reason. Then he told me that I should find things that me and my boyfriend have in common. And there’s nothing… at all. So at the moment my best friend, and her boyfriend are the only ones who know about how I’m feeling and no one knows about me cutting again. My best friend thinks that me and my boyfriend need to sit down and have a really long talk about everything. That would be a good idea except that it is next to impossible to get together with him. And talking to him is also next to impossible seeing as no matter what I say he doesn’t listen to me. The only way that he listens to me is when he knows that I’m cutting and is trying to make me stop.

So yeah, that’s my story. Others are probably a lot worse but to me this is really bad.


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