Copyright, Amahrindiah

My name is Amahrindiah, I’m fifteen. Today I found that my best mate Gareth has cut himself again. It upset me as he has been so strong not cutting since Christmas, with only minor setbacks mostly caused by me. If he can’t stop (him being the strongest person I know) how am I going to do it?

I suppose I’ve hurt myself all my life. I’ve always done things to hurt myself like hitting myself, picking scabs, pulling he skin off my lips and fingers, since before I can remember. But when I was twelve I discovered that I could use blades. The first time scared me and I didn’t do it for a while. But then I started again, the constant loneliness, the daily ridicule and bullying took its toll on me till I found that cutting was the only escape for the pain. That was what happened for most of secondary school. Most of it I don’t remember, only knowing bits from the journals I kept to stop me from going mad. I blanked the rest, it was too painful.

Then I moved up to upper school I thought things would get better. For a while it did. Then I met Dom. I started going out with her. Our love was special nd secret till she told everyone. From then on I had to put up with people shouting lesbian at me from the corridors and trying to beat me up. Thats when my cutting got worse (this was around Christmas). My arms were covered. I cut all the time in school in lessons with people around me not noticing, at home on my own while I cried and hugged my knees then it reached its worst a few days after Christmas, I found she had been cheating on me. I tried to slit my wrists. It didn’t work. All my blades were too blunt from overuse. She dumped me around February. And I was glad.

Not long after I met the most wonderful people in the world. Gareth, Katt and Alice. They were like me and for once I didn’t feel like a freak. We all cut ourselves, we all had something wrong that made us abnormal and it linked us. We helped each other. We talked. In time I started to get better. I cut less, I got a boyfriend, Edge, who loved me and I loved him, but things turned bad again. I hurt myself more because of the voices and the memories of things that I can’t quite remember. I cut. I got people to bite me. I was covered in bruises. Finally the school noticed. They made me see the school nurse. She was a bitch. She made everything seem so worthless that I wanted to die. She said the most horrible things to me. Said things that weren’t true like I had been abused. I only saw her once. She made me want to kill myself.

Then not long after my boyfriend tried to rape me twice. This nearly killed me. I cut worse all over my stomach, arms and legs. Gareth tried to help but there was only so much he could do. His problems are worse than mine even if he can’t tell me. I couldn’t keep giving him mine as well. Everything is falling apart now. I’m trying not to cut but everyday I fail a little more, one more cut one little scratch. I’m not yet suicidal but I’m afraid that very soon I might be.


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