Can’t Deal With It

Copyright, Addie

I’m 12 years old and I’ve only just started cutting. I usually cut with a kitchen knife. I have told my friends but they don’t understand they call me an attention seeker and say I’m too young. What am I supposed to do? Just block off my feelings until I’m older? It doesn’t work like that. They persuaded me to see my head of year but I freaked and ran. They don’t know what it’s like, they have no idea, I’m not like them. We are not like that we don’t cry with tears we cry with blood. The only thing that helps me now with my feelings is my music and my blade and if you saw me you probably think I was normal. I am not being bullied, in fact I have a large group of friends. My mum and dad are together and love me. I have a gorgeous brother and sister and a loving boyfriend. So why cut, why be like this? Well, the answer is I don’t know. I just have feelings and pain that I can’t deal with in the usual way. Is there anyone out there like me? If so, e-mail me. I would love some one I could talk to. Not to show off about the last time I cut, but to share feelings and pains with.

Update — 7.2.04, 2.04pm

Copyright, Addie

I never really have fitted in I suppose I didn’t want to. Yet I tried so hard then I realised how pointless it was. I am who I am so fuck the rest of the world.

Update — 10.2.04, 8.22pm

Copyright, Addie

I feel so much better now. I have this friend she’s 15 she used to cut herself she’s stopped now and she finds the thought of dragging anything sharp over her skin really cringey I asked her why she said it makes her want to do it again we ended up spilling everything and both crying in the end she said every time I feel like cutting ring or txt her, so today I felt like it I txt her saying so. She rang me up made me go into my room and put everything dangerous to me in my underwear drawer (I know it sounds weird) and then she told me to write a letter to her about everything I’m feeling and just my whole life story. it made me feel so much better. thank god for people like that. no thanks to my other friends you know who you are!

Update — 9.4.04

Copyright, Addie

Okay everything’s gone from good to bad, since whenever it was I last updated y’all. Everything has gone down hill. I started smoking and shit to try and not feel like there was something missing and I started going out with a 16 year old I met over the internet and that went sorta wrong as you can guess, then I dated a girl and I told a “friend” who kinda made me dump her. I’ve started having to see a school councelor who made me tell her about my SH. Then my two friends found out about me being bulemic. Then those two friends, mum and dad found out about me smoking and I don’t even know how. And last night my best mate told me she couldn’t deal with me being so unhappy and that she can’t deal with it and that she can’t hang around with me anymore if I’m gonna be so depressed, I think you’re about up to date now, I’ll tell you if there’s more!


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