Copyright, Akasha

I started hurting myself about 2 years ago when I was a sophomore in high school. All my life I hated myself, I knew I was worthless, and stupid, and selfish. It started with just little things, I’d scratch myself with pencils or hit tables with my fist. I just loved the feeling the pain gave me. I started scratching more and more, leaving scars. I knew what I was doing was wrong, and I knew it was bad for me but I needed it. I came closer and closer to really cutting, but I wasn’t sure I wanted that. I knew I needed to tell someone, but I just couldn’t. Finally, I turned in an english poetry project featuring poems that talked about self mutilation and suicide. The teacher gave it to the counselor who talked to me and told my parents. After that I started therapy, and I also started cutting. I continued my destructive cycle through the rest of that year and the beginning of the next. My junior year things got worse, I started hurting myself more, cutting deeper, overdosing on pills. I’d take 12 tylenol at a time, sometimes at school, or double or triple doses of anti-depressants. I was out of control. I wanted to die, and a few of my friends were the only ones keeping me alive. I came very close to killing myself after a friend of mine was in a car accident. She was in a coma for weeks, and even now she has brain damage so she doesn’t recognize people. I lost it when she had the accident, I just did not want to live anymore. I started planning suicide and setting a date, my parents found out and I stopped planning. Still, I wanted to die, and the planning began again as summer approached. My date was June 12, 2003. As the date neared, I changed my mind. I wasn’t ready to make that life or death decision. I realized how miserable I was making myself, and how my selfhatred had destroyed my life. Since then I have been better. I stopped cutting on July 6, 2003, and I hope to stay safe as long as I can. I don’t want to die anymore, but I can’t be sure this happiness will last forever because it never has before. I have been caught in this cycle of destruction for too long for it to simply end. But I hope to be happy for as long as I can.


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