My Therapy

Copyright, Belle

Sessions are free they start when I hide,
Begin with a girl who is dying inside,
Ends with a cut and a bloody knife,
And continues on with a depressing life,

I wish I could make you all see,
I can get better with my own therapy,
My solution to my disorder,
Came from the mind of a disillusioned daughter

Each session lasts as long as I need,
The effect is how well I bleed,
If I died would I wish I had stayed,
I think about it and Im not afraid.

Many words are spoken,
Cant help a heart broken,
A lost girl with an roaming mind,
Wanders through thoughts of dieing


Copyright, Belle

Im so sorry
Is that all I can say?
Im so sorry
I cant leave it this way
I broke it and I hurt you,
I will never forgive myself,
I don t deserve it at all,
I deserve to kill myself,
That would be selfish,
If only they didn t care,
Maybe they don t should I try?
No that wouldn t be fair,
I asked you to give up on me,
I take it back please stay,
I don t want to die,
Not right now anyway,
All I wanted to do was hurt me,
No one else but me,
I am really glad I told you,
But I just want to be free,
If I didn t tell you,
Id probably be dead,
If it weren t for you,
And all the things you said,
Right now I wish I were,
But without your grave words,
I never would have seen it,
All the pain they would have suffered,
I just wanted it to go away,
Go away for good,
I really thought about it,
What if I could?
If I had known,
Before I spoke to you,
I know I would be gone,
Now I don t know what to do,
To cut me off so rapidly,
It feels like Im dying,
But ill never go away,
And why aint I crying?
Because I cant anymore,
I cant explain what I need,
I think I need a shoulder,
To cry on and plead,
For freedom from this ache,
I need you to tell me lies,
That I know are fake,
I need you to look in my eyes,
And tell me how to stop,
I need you not to leave me now,
Please just stick around,
You can show me how,
You re the one I believe,
I now take in the words you say,
Believe me please,
It only takes one day,
I could break once more,
I could cut too deep,
I could die there on the floor,
I don t want to die,
Well I do but I wont,
I cant do that to everyone,
Not at the moment,
But the day they stop caring,
I will surely do it,
Ill at last do something I want,
I could finally do it,
Unless you tell me more,
More words that I absorb,
Tell me why I should be wrong,
Just tell me more,
Ill ask one last time,
Please don t leave,
I need you more than anyone,
I cant have more stains on my sleeves.

What Else

Copyright, Belle

What else can I do,
I want to give in,
I want to cut so badly,
I cant do that,
I look at the weapons,
Hiding in my room,
My knife in my drawer,
My scissors on my shelf,
My compass in my pencil case,
My needle on my table,
All visible things are simple,
They look harmless,
But dangerous in my hands,
Anything with a point,
or anything that s shiny,
catches my eye,
I want to reach for it,
And just make it go away,
I want to take it in my hand,
And just drive it deep,
Deep enough to make me bleed,
And just lay me down,
Leave it run dry,
Until Im emptier than before,
But I cant give in I cant,
No matter how much I want to,
I sit there,
With the weapon in my hand,
I see it shimmer,
Under the light of my room,
I put it to my wrist,
Wanting to pull it across my wrist,
I put pressure on it,
But I quickly pull away,
I see what I almost did,
Im afraid of myself,
I cant trust myself
And what I might do,
What I didn t do,
Was nearly what I did,
I don t want to break again,
I want to try and be strong,
But im so afraid of myself ,
When im alone,
But when I look at the cuts,
The marks still left,
On my arm that s now so weak,
My arm that always feels dead,
That always feels numb,
To the pain I used to bring,
That s why I went deeper,
And nearly ended it all,
Which was what I wanted for me,
But not for you,
So I stopped,
But im so tempted,
I want to do it,
But I cant I just cant,
I need to do something else,
But nothing else has worked,
What else can I do,
What else?


Copyright, Belle

Come back to the house find my body on the floor
the pale skin stained from the blood that falls no more
looking down at me as you stood crying wishing it was a dream
you collapse onto your knees and begin to scream
you had no idea I was suicidal or that life was my rival
I wasn t alright for a long time only that night
did the thought enter your mind
you never knew I never told its not my fault I felt so cold
you still don t believe this is real and cant explain how you feel
you look to see if I did it myself then spot the bloody scissors on my shelf
grab my wrist and see the cuts you start to think this is too much
your head starts to spin how could I do such a thing
you notice the note on my desk and read what I wrote
Im sorry I did it but im finally free
Its all I could do to make me happy
Im not sure if it was for the best
But anyway you ll forget,
I just didn t see the point in me living in this hell,
It was too hard a place for me to dwell,
I love you all I hope you know,
You tried to help but I had to go,
And that s all I had to say in that note I left that day,
You sit there next to my cold body wondering what to do,
Who to call, what to say, who else knew?
I never meant to cause such pain for you,
You sit there in the corner of my room,
Waiting for somebody to come home soon,
Banging of the car door
Your fear seems to rise some more,
How will he react to his daughter being dead?
I hope he will feel better from the words I said,
He calls for my name but no sound of my voice,
He calls again and comes up the stairs and sees what choice
I have made and he laughs at it,
He thinks it s a sick joke but then thinks what could provoke
Someone to do such a thing ,
He starts to cry and falls to the floor,
Watching the blood that falls no more,
One by one the family comes home to find their daughter all alone,
Alone in death where she wanted to be so she could see,
What being happy s really like,
They don t believe what they first see,
It was too much to see the cuts,
That drained their daughter and the problems that strained her,
I never wanted to hurt anyone else but me,
I cant believe there s nothing else I can say but im sorry,
They call an ambulance and the police,
To try convince themselves this wasn t suicide,
That it was murder,
They were proved wrong and they couldn t go much further,
But take the body away,
They stand there in her room on the blood stained floor,
Look all around from the window to the door,
See all her things as her sister sits on her bed,
She sees another note the thought again enters her head,
She searches for the book she was told about in the note,
Goes to her computer and looks at what she was told,
She cries and cries and hopes they re all lies,
But they re obviously not with the results that came out,
The writings of the dead tells her all about,
Her suicide and reasons for doing such a thing,
But nothing can reduce the tears rolling down her skin,
What I did I cant take back,
Family and friends are informed of her selfish act,
Days go by, no one bears a smile,
The day comes for her funeral where she will be gone,
Gone from the lives of the ones she knew,
The day where from then on their lives will be askew,
How could I do that ? didn t want to live on,
But is so selfish, just let me be gone,
That black day where they all match,
No smile from an angel or a cry from a saint,
They were all silent tried to make a sound but they cant,
Watch it lowered into the ground,
The thump of it falling was again the only sound,
They all stay quiet until she cries out in pain,
Her best friend cant lose her, and it begins to rain,
She stands there in tears,
Surrounded by her fears,
Nobody is near,
I didn t mean to hurt you all I only wanted to die,
I didn t mean to make u sad or make you all cry,
The day ended slowly after morbid peace,
After that day they were all so weak,
Days and weeks went passing by,
Their endless tears were slowly ceasing,
I knew they would forget me it was for the best,
But still I feel I let them down and that they wont forget,
Maybe I should have stuck around,
And kept me on the solid ground,
It made me sick to feel all this,
The pain my peace will put them through,
So I will do it just for you.


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