This is Me and I can’t Pretend to be Anything Else

Copyright Magpie

I’m nineteen going on twenty and I’ve been cutting for about nine or ten years. For so long before I started to cut I had this overwhelming feeling inside of me. It was like all the pain I felt was going to explode out of me, I got to a point where I couldn’t take it anymore. I was so young and I really didn’t have any concept of what suicide was or cutting for that matter. One day my friend told me how she cut herself. Well, for normal people news like this would scare them and they would run and tell, but for me I was interested. I wanted to know if this painful act would make all the bad stuff inside of me dissipate. I didn’t try it that day, it really wasn’t until about a month later that I decided to try it. When I cut myself it was like a drug. All that pressure that I felt inside just disappeared. But with any drug your body eventually takes over and makes the relief shrink until you’re cutting more and you can’t possibly make the pain end anymore. Well, I’ve been thru a lot since that first time. I was raped when I was thirteen and not to mention three suicide attempts and for me I think that I’ve grown into a new person. A couple of years ago I started to really speak out about my pain. It wasn’t to the masses or anything but I did help out a couple of friends who didn’t understand what was going on with them and I guess I came to understand myself a little more. I haven’t cut in about a year and a half and it feels kind of liberating and scary. For so long my security blanket was this pain that I caused myself, without it I sometimes feel lost, like I lost the biggest part of me, but at the same time I’m so happy to finally not hurt that way anymore. Don’t get me wrong, every time I get depressed I turn to cutting, but standing there with the razor in my hand I just don’t have it in me anymore. The switch in my head was turned off and I feel like I’m growing again. The biggest thing, I think, that created this change was that I sort of lost the feeling that it was something bad and sort of took it as my own. Once I said to myself that it was OK that I did this was when I felt like I didn’t need it anymore. I don’t have any tricks up my sleeve on how to deal with cutting, I just do what I feel is right. I’m in no way healed. Who knows, I could cut tomorrow, but I try and live the here and now. There is no use in looking too far ahead or behind it will just make you feel small and helpless. I just want people to see that maybe there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Thank you for listening.


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