Copyright, Marty

Anger all inside me. I want it gone from me permanently, but how? Death is the only idea I have to get rid of all the pain I have ever felt and it can stop me from feeling any more pain! I hate feeling lost, unwanted, confused, angry and sad. I have some blood falling slowly and smoothly down my arm as I think of everything that has gone wrong in my life: failed friendships, bullying, failed relationships, arguments everywhere, fights, family issues, all stresses, parties. Everything I have done seems to fail. 25-26 relationships in 4 years gone wrong. Some I have really wanted to work but I blame myself when they haven’t. Loads of past issues keep coming back: all the arguing, cutting myself even trying to and considering to kill myself. So much has gone wrong for me through most of my life and I don’t want to be here to make any more mistakes. This past week has been OK but just watching a programme changed all of that. It’s put me back to being unhappy and wanting that final way out. I feel like no one really understands me. Even if they try to it don’t work. I don’t even know myself any more. I want so many things I can’t have and I feel if I try much more I am going to burst. It’s like im screaming and no-one can hear me. My shrink isn’t helping things along, he brought up loads of past shit that shouldn’t have been said. My head is so messed up that all I can think about is past pain I’ve had and death. The other day I was planning my funeral, who would I want there? Down to what I would look like as I lay stiff in my iron coffin all black eyed mystical in a way but psychotic in a sense. Why do we have to feel pain? Is there a person who decides who should feel it? Like they pick their prey? So many questions I want answered but I won’t get them, they will just carry on floating about looking lost trying to find an owner for them. Maybe this isn’t the life I was meant to lead, maybe I am meant to die to go on to another life maybe a better one or maybe one just the same. I wouldn’t know unless I went there. So many consequences to think of like losing my family, friends, everything I have now which isn’t much. Cutting myself or hurting myself in any way just to replace any previous hurt I have doesn’t do much but I enjoy doing it and feel it’s something to do whether I am bored, happy, angry or sad just to cover any emotion I might feel. Old scars itching me wanting to be replaced by new ones in lines, dots writing anything to show how I feel. Yes, people have worse problems, yes, ill leave a lot behind I have thought about it and when I am feeling like this I honestly don’t care, because I want my own life to tumble down a rocky cliff bouncing away hitting as many rocks as I can on the way down. Just to get rid of it. So many ideas I want to try out but which would work the best? Research is what I need to do, to find the best method, the quickest, the cheapest and easiest. Voices in my head saying “just do it” and whispering “die” to me. Getting louder as I’m shouting “shut up I can’t cope I want out and now!” Shaking scared fears of spirits coming at me trying to grab the very soul I don’t want to live from, clawing away at my skin trying to eat away my flesh to get in and kill the life within. All this to end? If life is so shit why are we made to live it? Why be brought up this way when we could do so much better with our lives? Busted knuckle, broken soul, clawed arms and bursting anger. What if I don’t change? What if my life carries on to be this way? How long will I cope for? Before I crack again. So many opportunities I have yet I do nothing about it. Why? Why don’t I just end it all now? So I never have to feel any pain again, so simple yet so complicated. Uncontrollable, what will I do next? The voices won’t go they are so determined, I swear! Why won’t they go? Why don’t they just leave me alone? I guess I’ll have to wait I suppose. Hmmm, floaty feeling so great yet unwanted. Flying through a graveyard starry sky in places, stormy in others. Spirits everywhere chatting among themselves mumbling words only they can understand. Rain pouring down hard, loud claps of thunder roaring right besides my ears, it echoes, it’s all quiet. I’m back, the voices are gone! Do you think maybe that’s how my life would be if I weren’t here? I do like what I saw and felt! I want to be there with those people! Going to sleep hoping I wont wake up… Here I am back at the graveyard, dark trees all around, laughing, fighting. Spirits fly past mumbling their lost unspoken words, spinning faster and faster. Behind a big gate so many trying to get in but most are refused. It’s a suicider’s graveyard: overdoses, hangings, slit wrists, drinking, drowning, so many ways they chose. The most popular to them seem jumping off tall buildings. Such a good idea.


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