Copyright Marion

I’m a seventeen year old girl from France and this is my story, well at least parts of it. I discovered this site a year ago and since then I count it as my favorite. I can’t remember exactly what happened when I came across the website but I remember being so happy to have found so many people who did the same thing as me. I wasn’t alone, at last. I must have spent hours on that website reading every single story, looking at every single picture. It gave me urges to cut, urges I did not resist, at that point I didn’t care if I cut or not, it was just something else I did in my day. I saw how other people did it, what they used, where they did it and it gave me ideas. I wanted a razorblade so badly, at the time I only used my dad’s shavers and I didn’t cut deep, and only one a week.

Slowly the cutting got worse, I used pencil sharpener blades and I popped the razors out of shavers. Then after months of loneliness because none of my friends knew and nobody I knew did it, I decided to e-mail a cutter or two. Surprisingly they both answered and we became friends. I am now dating one of them and couldn’t have found a better girlfriend. Thank you for this site.

OK, my story is still not done. By this time I was cutting my stomach, feet, hands, thighs, arms… anything I could. But it changed when I met my girlfriend. She wanted me to stop, I thought I never could but for her I gave it a try. I managed for a few weeks but then during the vacations I missed her so much that I carved myself a bracelet with her name in it. Back to school in september: senior year. I stole a razorblade from the biology lab and thought I would test it out. Because by this time I wasn’t cutting. My parents had found out and it was either I stopped cutting or I went to see a shrink. And since seeing a shrink wasn’t an option for me I decided to stop. I made more friends via the internet but all of them lived so far away so every day I felt so alone. It doesn’t help when your girlfriend lives in another country and all your friends live on different continents, it killed me everyday. I hated my friends, I hated school, I hated everything. Then I started telling my friends, I felt very naked at first but then it felt better. I also told them about my girlfriend and they were so happy for me. Even though it seems like things are working out for me, I’m still unhappy, if possible more than before. I’ve started cutting again, I’ve decided I don’t realy care if I do it or not, as long as my parents don’t know, and believe me it feels realy good. I have something to look forwards to when I’m having a tough time. Every day I wish I could drop dead, I don’t want to fight to get better, it’s just too hard and I don’t think I have the strength. I want to be with my girlfriend and with the people I love not stuck here living a life I hate. Everyone tells me next year I get to do what I want, but I’m not so sure about that. Sometimes I feel so alone, I need physical closeness and I don’t get that. I hurt everyday. It hurts to live. It hurts to breath. Sad but true. Music helps me get by, reminding me of my girlfriend. If it weren’t for her, I wouldn’t be here today, I found her at my lowest and I’m so grateful.

I’m so sick of feeling the same things each day, it exhausts me, I have no energy left. I wish someone else could make me get better, I don’t want to do it by myself. I should be seeing a shrink soon, so we’ll see how that works out, because when I told two of my friends they went and told the school counsellor-type woman and she wants me to see a shrink and I’ve been thinking about it too. I’m not sure I want to get better. I don’t know it’s all so confused in my head. I don’t think it’s bad that I cut and I don’t want to stop, I’m addicted to blood, it’s so beautiful. Maybe I want to get better for other people, that’s why I wanted to stop in the first place. Who knows? I’m lost and confused. Help me please…

If you’ve read all the way down to here, you’re pretty brave. If anyone wants to talk to me please do, I always need more friends, my address is Please feel free to mail me, I love talking to people and helping them. Stay safe, get help if you need it. Take care and remember: ‘I can’t let this kill me’. Lots of love, one day we will all get better.

I have been a cutter for years

Copyright Marion

It started when I was twelve, no one understood why I was doing this. I would hide my arms so I would not get into trouble. The kids said I was a freak. I temporarily stopped when I was twenty. Life was great for a while. I met a man that I thought was wonderful. Then, three years ago, he started cheating on me. I would wail out in agony, fuming about in a blind rage. Being tired of the pain, I would get out the razor blade I keep for these times hidden at the top of my dresser. For some reason, I would only calm when enough blood would run down my arm. It sounds horrible. I have been in therapy for years. The last time I put my hand through glass when an eighteen year old girl claiming to be my forty year old husband’s fiancee rang the door bell one night. I had to get stitches. My psychiatrist said that he is afraid that one day it will be too deep. (He has been treating me since I was a teenager.) I now wear long sleeves and pants to hide years of scars on my arms and legs. I hope it will stop one day.


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