Copyright, Mina

I’m fifteen years old and well I haven’t been cutting for long, only the past four months maybe. But I’ve been a self-injurer much longer than that, ever since I was eight, I would find pleasure in hitting myself as hard as I could and seeing how red my skin would get or how bad the bruise would be. But I’ve been reading all these other stories and I feel like I don’t deserve to be doing this. I was never ever abused, never raped or anything like that, my parents aren’t split up (they’re not exactly a happy couple but still) and I know they love me and I love them — my dad can annoy me a lot though I hate him half the time. The only real problem in my family is my brother who has ADHD, for as long as I can remember everything’s about him, it’s always concentrating on Daniel. Is he the one who works his ass off to get A’s no I don’t think so. And when do I get attention? Hmmm, when I get a B it’s “you’re gonna get your TV and cell phone taken away if you get a B again this year”. I work as hard as I can but they don’t seem to accept that, they don’t really care when I get all A’s but the minute I did something wrong they jump on me. OK, so that’s not so bad and I don’t even consider it very bad. But then there’s school. My whole life I’ve been picked on and I’m not even sure why, I wasn’t overweight and even though I get good grades I’m not a nerd I’m a normal person. But well let’s just say that wasn’t what other people thought. I never had any real friends, sure I saw with a group at lunch but I just sat there not saying anything. And then in seventh grade this guy decided to spread a rumor about me saying I was a lesbian and well that just ruined everything and I’m not a lesbian. Still that’s not so bad. My life isn’t horrible like other people’s but I still cut myself. It’s the only way I can feel better, it’s the only thing I have control over. I feel like I have to make myself better so other people will like me, all the “bad blood” in me has to poor out. I have to punish myself if I hurt someone’s feelings or if did something to make someone else feel bad. I can’t ever be the reason someone feels bad I’m only there to please people that’s my job, I’m not supposed to talk unless someone wants to hear me talk and hell I’m afraid to talk, afraid to be embaressed because I feel like everyone is going to pounce on me the minute I do something wrong. But still that’s not a reason to do any of this. My life’s not shit and I just finished freshman year of high school and I have friends that care (I think) but what’s so horrible about that is that I can’t believe them if they ever tell me they love me or that they care and want to help me I can’t believe them, my instinct is to pull back and not say anything because they’re just going to do something to hurt me. Even after I explain all this I wonder why I cut myself none of this really seems that bad and it’s not like I’ve been through a hard time, my parents don’t know and I hope they never do. All I’ve ever really wanted is friends and I guess I have that now but I can’t stop. I don’t think I’m addicted but everyone who knows says I am. I don’t cut that deep, my blood has only actually started dripping I don’t know maybe twenty times. But when I hear that other people are doing this to themselves it makes me want to cry. Please don’t, it just brings more pain, I want to stop and am trying even though it doesn’t seem like I am. That’s my story, it’s not really a story either I just needed to explain how I felt after reading all of these.


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