Whisper to a Scream

Copyright Myi

My name is Myi. And I’m a cutter and burner. I don’t know why I choose this to do this. I guess it all started when I was four and I was forced to move to Florida, and leave my friends. And then when I turned five I realised there was a difference between boys and girls. I saw I always had more in common with girls. Needles to say this were noticeable by my parents, and commented on frequently. So I started cutting at about six because my sister teased me, as did others so I cut myself and it made it so much better. As I got older, ten maybe, I was cutting on my shoulders and legs due to parents suspension. It worked for a couple years until I hit thirteen. I was so depressed, and had domestic violence in my house. So I would sneak out of the house and cut and go to a drinking spot. Taking pain killers like Xanax, Valium, Ativan, Listaflex. It made me feel better to do these things, forget the pain.

But nothing was better than to channel the pain thought cutting and burning. I did it all my 13th year. But quit after that. The next time I had really started back cutting I was seventeen almost eighteen. For about a month, but I had to stop since I had just started a new job. So I waited until I was nineteen I had bad thoughts missing a friend who died just one year befor. So I started to cut again, hormones, abuse, depression, loneliness was just too much for me. It seemed to be the only thing to keep me from killing myself. I thought I could keep it under control. But I couldn’t control the panic attacks that brought sever cutting. It had only been started back for a month and yet there was no room left from all my cuts and burns. My friends tried to stop me, (taking my razors and stuff) but I cut anyways. So the started to baby-sit me, I hated it the always busted me right before I cutted. I was/am lost in this world I’ve made. My boss found out about and turned me in. Baker acted. I paniced and went in drug up and bloody. I stayed four days in the self-harm unit and was mildly taunted for being girly. I was finally released under so many conditions groups, meds, lots of docs and check ups plus drug test. And after all of this whisper with control. Turned out to be a scream for help from my friends whom I love so much. Lindsey, Jennifer, Caroline, and Regan. They all ask me am I better. And I say yes but I’m not I still want to cut. It’s a part of me, a curse I bear, but also my savior. I don’t want to do this anymore.

I don’t know how to go on I want to quit. But I have friends, wonderful friends, who have stood by my who give me strength to try again six years since I have had friends and I will try for them. But at the end of the day I am a cutter and burner and I don’t want to be me.


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