Your Scars; My Envy

Copyright, Jill

I’m jealous of your arms
Covered with an assortment of self inflicted wounds
Which bleed so slowly
And melodiously

I crave the release you must feel
With every cut you make
The thin metal blade
Sharply slicing through your flesh

You wear each beautiful scar
As a badge of honour
For the hurt you feel inside
And the strength you have to feel it

But that’s a lie
Because you don’t feel the pain on the inside
You transfer it out
And numb yourself

I know
I did it too

I’m jealous of your arms
I want to cut mine again
Full of tiny incisions
And I want to watch them bleed
Under my control

But the story turns
Because I’d loose control
So I won’t go back
I’ll feel the pain
And protect myself

And maybe someday
I’ll learn how to cope
And maybe someday
I’ll learn how to hope

Her and I

Copyright, Jill

all locked up
in a dark room.
i can feel her now,
her presence frightens me.
her black eyes everywhere to see.
the lights are off.
no ones there, but her, and i.
she isnt human,
i dont know what she is…
all i know is shes here again.
i can see her now,
i should be frightened
though all i feel is numbness
the darkness, just gets darker
the only white to be seen
is in the face of her, pale as if dead
she gets closer…
than even closer
…i know who she is
but what happened to her, howd she die.
than i look down at my arms…
blood everywhere,
shes me.
the woman ive dreaded, is myself.
tonight i saw her closer than before
I dont get it, am i dead
not yet, but dead i become more
ive been frightened by myself
i brought myself to kill myself
im dead.
she killed me.


Copyright, Jill

the escense of being with you
scares me.
Your voice,
lingers all through my head
The night i dread
is the night when im dead
because of the voice
that once lingered
and your face….
not there, and never to be there

One Last Goodbye

Copyright, Jill

You don’t see me, and you never will
That’s why I’m thinking of taking another pill
Oh cmon, its just a few more
I’m tired of feeling alone, down to the core
Take the knife and slash away the pain
A pool of blood where I have lain
And as I begin to drift away from here
All I can think of is what I would give to have you near
I think of that place where I’ll actually be someone
It makes me not once regret what I have done
I went back to those days when I saw you walk by
You said you remembered me, I know it’s a lie
Everything about you seems so far away
I’ll never get you to notice me, no matter what I say
Shake my head, back the floor… I’m starting to feel quite odd
Remember my laugh, those times I smiled? Fuck it, it was all a façade.
Couldn’t you look at me just once? It’s all I could ever plead
But now its too late, it’s for you that I bleed
All you had to do was notice me
It’s not like I asked you to get down on one knee
It didn’t have to come to this
Think of all things I’m going to miss
No prom, no wedding, not even one kid
My family will cry when they find out what I did
But you’ll never know it was all for you
Of course, you don’t care about anything I do
Forget it, its too late now as I heave a heavy sigh
To my family I wish them the fondest goodbye
A tear rolls down my cheek as I drift away
Maybe we’ll meet in heaven… or hell… someday.


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