Copyright, Julie

These tears bring no justice,
My words just a burden,
I wish I could tell you everything,
I wish I didn’t lie.

My smile makes you happy,
So smile is what I do;
You’re memory is so vivid in my mind,
Your eye’s so bright, your love so kind.

Part of me is with you,
Let me bring you more,
My skin burns,
My mind turns.

Scars are showing,
Blood is flowing,
Hope is blowing… blowing in the wind
What happened to that happy girl.
What happened to that girls boy.
He’s in heaven,
Her soul lives in hell.
Forever, for always, that’s where she’ll dwell.

You thought you knew me,
You thought I’d tell,
There’s much more to me,
My mind’s not well…

The Nightmare I’m Living

Copyright, Julie

Nothing to help me
nowhere to go
I’ve been hurt far too much
Didn’t you know?

Couldn’t you see
the pain in my eyes?
Even thought I’ve managed
to muffle my cries?

Razor blades help me
to deal with the pain
just a few cuts
to keep me sane

10 cuts, 12 cuts
15 cuts more
Nobody’s watching
or keeping the score

Seeing the blood
helps me a bit
But my thoughts are still racing
I can’t seem to sit

I hear the door open
as you arrive home
I come back to life
but still feel alone

I noiselessly put
the blade back in it’s place
What the fuck is wrong with me?
I’m such a disgrace

I take a quick glance
at what I have done
And I think to myself
this wasn’t any fun

But tomarrow will come
And I’ll pull out the razor
maybe this time
death will be in my favor

But if not
then please don’t yell
my life is already
a living hell

The cuts are all there
some of them bad
I really can’t help it
I’m so fucking sad

Mommy stop yelling
I didn’t mean to make you mad
you don’t have to tell me
I already know that I’m bad

I’m trying to stop
the thoughts and the cutting
but nothing is working
it’s a race not worth running

So far now I’ll continue
to sit alone in my room
with the razor blade out
and my arms and legs doomed

Someone please help me
I need to be fixed
I’m about to breakdown
my thoughts are so mixed

The cycle continues
day after day
why can’t things
ever just be ok?

I can’t stop the thoughts
and I begin to cry
right now alls I want
is to lay down and die.

The Mirror

Copyright, Julie

It’s not just a piece of glass.
not just a way to see things
or to check things.
It is the only form of seeing one’s self.
The only way for us to see what we look like.
For me, the mirror is my enemy.
I look into it and see nothing good.
Nothing but negativity.
Nothing but uglyness.
All I see is a fucked up girl -
fucked up from the inside out.
The pain inside surfaces and
you can see it in my eyes.
The outer me that I see,
is one not so pleasant on my eyes.
I see someone who is extremely ugly.
Someone who is fat.
Someone who doesn’t deserve to
have friends or a boyfriend.
I wish I could never look into another mirror.
I wish I could smash the mirrors I have.
Wish I could just punch the glass
so the shards cut my arms and body
Causing me to bleed out my pain.
The cuts wouldn’t matter….
I dont see how I could get any uglier.
I just wish I could kill my image.


Copyright, Julie

The pain is overwhelming
I cannot take it anymore
I’ve lost all feeling
I don’t like this at all
there’s a hand
with a razor
moving closer and closer to me
inviting my wrist
to take a sliver of the pain from the blade
my flesh is so weak
a perfect target for mutilation
the hand is closer still
and the razor is touching me
I feel the metal pierce my skin
and tear it open
the crisp air stings my open wound
again and again -
the hand just won’t stop
back and forth
in and out
the bleeding won’t end
who could be doing this to me
making me hurt like this
wanting me to feel this pain
then as I look at the hand
with the peach color
and the black nailpolish
it hits me -
the hand belongs to me


Copyright, Julie

what is blood?
blood is the beginning and the end
blood is the enemy and blood is the friend
you start out your life with blood in your veins
you start out with it flowing to the depths of your brains
it gives you energy, strength, and go
but blood is two sided, i think you should know
when one thinks of blood, do they think it as life?
or do they perceive it as pain, tears, and strife?
after all, you end your life when your blood runs cold
you end your life when your years become old
blood is the symbol of life — of death
blood keeps flowing so you may take your next breath
blood is confusing, a puzzle to some
without blood though, life would be numb
so try to figure this out on your own if you like
is this idea a hit or a strike?
blood is the beginning and the end
blood is the enemy and blood is the friend.


Copyright, Julie

i feel it bottling up
rattling at the inside
trying to get out
it once was free
to talk and be amongst others
to share itself
to expose itself
but now its buried
buried deep inside
deeper than a well
in the darkest regions of my heart
its there to stay
it wont come out to bother you anymore
it wont come out to “fuck up your nights”
it’ll stay submerged
compacted within my sin
dont worry, it wont burden you
fear not, it will be far -
far from you and yours….
deep deep down
i dont care if this kills me
i dont care if i cry
i dont care if this hurts me
i dont care if i die
atleast i will know
that it didnt “harm” you further
so i will sit here with myself
and slowly slip away

More than Life

Copyright, Julie

what the fuck is this
are you playing with my head
spit it out
spit out the truth
do you love me
do you really
or do you love someone else
do you love her
when you say you love me
do you mean it
or are you just saying that
because its what you think i want to hear
i only want to hear the truth
no lies
no bullshit
just the honest to goodness truth
i had little to no problems
in my life
before you came into it
true, i do love you
you make me feel so good,
so loved,
so needed
bu theres another side to it all
it seems the more i love you
the harder i fall
there are problems daily with you
you either want to die
attempted something
said the wrong things
did the wrong things
or caused me grief without even knowing it
last night
when i read that thing
i wanted to die
it felt like something was tugging at my heart
stabbing it
shattering it
breaking it
the thought of you loving someone else
is too much for me to take
i cant deal with that
i love you more than life itself
and if you messed that up for me
i will just end it all
apparently you dont care
how i feel
because you did this to me
so you probably wont give a shit
if i die or not
i doubt you’ll care if i cut myself
if i take pills
if i cry myself to sleep
if i want to die
how could this have happened
how could i have let myself
fall in love with someone so deceitful
i cant go back on it
but as hard as i try not to,
i still love you

My Disguise

Copyright, Julie

the pain inside
keeps welling up…
keeps multiplying…
keeps increasing.
it has gotten to the point
where the pain
protrudes from inside and
shows itself externally.
it shows itself in
my tears,
my scars,
my eyes.
i try to hide this agony
by laughing and joking around.
this is just my cover up -
my disguise,
my mask.
i fear the day where
everyone knows the true me,
the depressed me,
the insane me.
how i wish i could show everyone.
wish i could get help.
wish i could live a normal life.
but i guess that won’t happen
cuz im just not normal.

Sweet Bloody Remedy

Copyright, Julie

sitting shaking in a corner
with a knife up to her hand
thinking whether she should cut and
fulfill her hateful wishes.
creeping crawling right up to her wrist
poking in, pulling out
slicing right, slitting left
blood falls to the floor.
glaring at the knife
the knife that brought her relief
she starts to cry black tears
as she looks at her savior.
she has found a way out
of the hellhole she calls life
found a way to cope with
the shit she calls her life.
thinking thinking way back in her brain
thinking of the people who she has left behind
the people who she broke her promises to
the people who she screwed over.
she disappointed them
frustrated them
too bad they dont know.
bloody knife laying on the floor
skin neatly attached to it
waiting for her to take another taste
of its sweet bloody remedy.
she screams to the knife…
she bellows as she throws the knife out the open window.
all is silent as she tiptoes over to the window
and peers over the sill
wondering why the fuck she threw her escape away
into a place she could not venture.
she runs to her bathroom frantically
and opens the drawer to find her other precious tool
the tool that can replace the dirty old knife
and take its new place as her savior, her god.
at last! her search has become successful
for she has found a thing of beauty
to ease her pain…a thing to release her emotions…
none other than — a razor.
she races back to the corner
as fast as her skinny legs can carry her
she takes her seat
and resumes her bloodbath.
she digs the razor deep into her pale white skin
releasing the red river from its confinement
dripping down, staining her arms
leaving a trail of mutilation.
a scream escapes of her mouth
it is not certain whether it is out of pain
or out of sheer bliss
because she has just hit her vein.
a geiser erupts from her forearm
as she drops the razor to the floor
she falls over on her side
and her extended, open hand lays out straight.
she shudders as the cold air stings her gashes
and she mumbles as she rolls over onto her arm
and rolls over again
so her shirt is stained with her own tainted blood.
she manages to get to a crawling position
and lumbers over to her bedside table…
she grabs a bottle of pain killers
that she wants to use to speed up her death.
she takes 10…20…30…40 pills out of the bottle
as she is bleeding all over her now red carpet…
as the room starts spinning, she realizes
that she has to go one step further to speed up her death.
she desperately darts her eyes around the room
searching for an answer…
she finally averts her eyes to her half empty lunchpail
from the day before.
she remembers that she had chicken
and her mom had run out of plastic knives…
so she gave her
she slunk over to the lunch pail and removed the knife
she plunged it into her chest again and again….
as if she were churning butter….
stabbing and slicing over and over!!!
with the last blow…
she hit her heart square in the middle…
and she fell over into a puddle of her own blood
all because she gave in to her sweet bloody remedy

The Hand

Copyright, Julie

the pain is overwhelming
i cannot take it anymore
i’ve lost all feeling
i don’t like this at all
there’s a hand
with a razor
moving closer and closer to me
inviting my wrist
to take a sliver of the pain from the blade
my flesh is so weak
a perfect target for mutilation
the hand is closer still
and the razor is touching me
i feel the metal pierce my skin
and tear it open
the crisp air stings my open wound
again and again -
the hand just won’t stop
back and forth
in and out
the bleeding won’t end
who could be doing this to me
making me hurt like this
wanting me to feel this pain
then as i look at the hand
with the peach color
and the black nailpolish
it hits me -
the hand belongs to me

You think you’re so great

Copyright, Julie

you think you’re so great…
you can just glide in and out…
up and down…
back and forth…
and release my life.
you must get pleasure from hurting others…
because we dont get pleasure from you.
you think you’re so great…
because you can make me feel like shit
make me want to die
make me want to cut again and again
make me addicted to the sharp feeling
of you going into my skin.
make me live for the time of day where i can come home
and release all of my worries just by tearing you through my skin…
letting my problems flow out of me in the blood you shed.
you think you’re so great…
but guess what?
you’re not!
you’re SHIT!
you can’t control me forever!
you may control me now but SOMEDAY… SOMEDAY…
i will make it on my own without this cutting nonsense.
i will throw you in the trashcan,
burn you,
crush you,
KILL you.
you have literally killed me inside,
so i would only be returning the favor.
i dream for the day where i never have to feel
another piece of metal inserted into my skin again…
another razor carefully slicing,
another knife deeply cutting.
you think you’re so great…
but if you were so great,
i wouldn’t leave you….
and that is exactly what i am going to do.

Yours and Mine

Copyright, Julie

tears run down your beautiful face
as you tell me how depressed you are
your heart beats faster
as you tell me that you want to die
your breath turns short
as you tell me that you tried to kill yourself
tears run down my fucked up face
as i realize how much you hate yourself
my heart beats uncontrollably
as i hear your suicidal wishes
my breath runs out
as i hear that you tried to hang yourself
blood seeps down out of your neck
as you tell me that you had a knife there, ready to cut
truths pour out of your mouth
as you reveal your death dreams to me
your life drains out of your soul
as your mindset allows you to be dead inside
blood seeps down from my wrists
as i am told that you were going to commit suicide
truths exhale from my mouth
as i express my sorrow for your thoughts
my life withers away
as i wonder if you will leave me someday

Mirror Image

Copyright, Julie

she stands undressed
in the middle of her room
with her back to the mirror
wondering if she should dare turn around
and face the music
she debates the issue in her mind
but in time she turns around
and sees herself
what she sees, is not what everyone else sees
what she sees is a monster
she sees an obese monster that has taken over her body
her mind assesses the body as her eyes scan the surface
she sees the hair thats greasy from lack of care
the face, the face thats utterly ugly
she cannot believe that something could be that horrifying
she sees the broad shoulders -
the shoulders that should be petite and thin
her eyes move to her breasts,
women are supposed to love their breasts
yet she sees them as extra chunks of fat -
poisoning what chance she has of being thin
her insides cringe as she moves to the part of her body
that she hates the most
her eyes well up with tears as she analyzes her stomach
she feels a wet tear flow down her face
as her hand gently strokes her fat
tears are multiplying by the second now that she has moved on -
moved on to her sides
some say men like women with curves
some say men like love handles
well, this girl doesnt give a shit
she hates them
she wants the sides to shrink
shrink down to model size
she quietly turns to the side to stare at her behind
“just another huge chunk of fat,” she says to herself sadly
she resumes her original position and looks lower
she focuses in on her thighs
her eyes suddenly turn magical
and are able to spot every mark of fat — every part of cellulite
she looks at her legs longingly -
remembering the magazine she read earlier in the day
wishing her legs could be as tan and shapely as theirs
instead, they are fat, they are huge
she stares at her feet — then at her toes
finding everything possibly wrong with them
she wonders to herself why only she can see these things
why cant everyone else see these faults
dont they realize that she is obesely huge?
cant they see what a homely beast she is?
by now shes crying so hard that shes fallen to her knees
she stares at the mirror dead on
and starts to scream
she screams and screams
she starts pulling chunks of hair from her head
scratching herself all over her chest with her pointed nails
she makes a fist and takes a deep breath in
and punches her image with all her might
causing the glass to shatter into a million little lifeless pieces
she picks up the pieces and starts to cut
she slices her arms, wrists, legs, waist, neck
until her energy has run out
and she cannot cut anymore
she slumps to the floor in a bloody mass of skin and bones
and silently shuns herself for not being successful
then as if there was a change in the winds,
a sly grin consumes her face as she thinks
“hey, theres always tomorrow”


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