Not Bleeding Today

Copyright AE

I am not bleeding
Not today
Not cut or torn or carved away
Not stabbed or sliced for some relief
Not wounded for my soul’s belief that wounds
Were all the comfort I could find
To just release the filth inside
The evil toxin, shameful self
Insufficient, damned to hell, to hell, to hell
Insufficient, inexcused
Without merit, without use
So yes, the careful cutting came
The clever answer to the shame
But not today

I am not bleeding
Not today
I trace the scars and how they fade
I smile my joy, not aching sad
Gently touch these old comrades
Retired now, reminders still
That loving care—not force of will
Made these wounds grow obsolete
I lost the need, I lost the need!
Because I face—without release–
The pain between me and my peace
That only truth and courage bring.
And courage hurts, and truth will sting
But I’m not bleeding from these things
Not today

I am not bleeding
Not today
No bloodletting ever gave
The truth that I am not a slave
And injury could not provide
The truth—there is no rot inside me
But I believed the lies and used
My injuries as substitutes
For facing useful suffering
Replacing it with other things
With all those wounds that did not teach
And kept the truth just out of reach
Learning hurts but brings rewards
Bleeding simply hurts and scars
And I want more
Than that today

I kiss them gently, watch them fade
I grow, I learn, and when afraid
I love—and do not punish—me
I am not bleeding
Not today.


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