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Christine

Beautiful Pain

Copyright, Christine

My heart is like an open book; watch the pages burn
Look what I have become; one day they’ll finally learn
In the end it’s over; nothing left to lose
Don’t question my actions; I do as I may choose
Every tear tells a story; every cut upon my wrist
If I tell the brutal truth; would they show me their fists
I bleed just to know I’m alive; my pleasure is my pain
I need that taiste of love; it’s driving me insane
Time is standing still; as this soul begins to fade
Everything I am now; is everything you’ve made
Is there another out there; one I can call mine
I like to hide this pain; I tell them I am fine
Take my breathe away; take me far from here
I need the same love; I need something to share
I want to leave this place forever; be out of control
My depression is a war; baby show me your soul
Steal my pain and touch me; kiss me like you mean it
I am too strong to take it; to move from all these hits
I need to belong; know where to walk
Hiding these emotions; noone who will talk
People will always judge; as if they are cold
I forgot how to keep warm; I need someone to hold
I’ll wish on a star; pray during the night
Wishing for the better; for things to be right
Bleeding for the thought; crazed to other hearts
My addiction is part of me; wasn’t at the start
Don’t lie to me or hurt me; I’ll just strike back
There’s only a little bit of time; I’m getting ready to crack
These tears won’t seem to stop; blood won’t seem to go
Distractions seem to fy; my pain begins to show
Noone’s real anymore; hiding their demons inside
When I explode into fragility; I tend to run and hide
Not knowing what to do; Take and break this life
Let me go now; watch me fall on my face
Glue may mend this broken heart; my room is an empty space
Give it a little time; I’m still alright to smile
I’ll stay alive now; depression was for awhile

Broken View

Copyright, Christine

I tried to kill my pain only bled more
Crimson tears and filled with fear; I try to shut this door
Which my other side glows and the truth begins to show
This place doesn’t feel right; It’s time to let go
It’s so very hard to find that thing which brings me joy
They keep playing with my mind; I’m the devil’s little toy
Pain is all I’ve ever felt; I’ve become so confused
My heart can’t stand the pressure; Is or isn’t it being used
I’ve been through so much already; A simple little life
To what others may see; Until I take this knife
Try to break me, try to shake me; I’ve been through it all
I may walk this life alone; I catch myself when I fall
Who’s to tell me what to do; As if I am a lost soul
Rape my mind and pray to god; Eat my insides out
Life isn’t supposed to be this hard; I’m not supposed to cry
My feelings shouldn’t change like this; I shouldn’t want to die
I smile to hide it; As it runs through my veins
Maybe these things are not real; Maybe I’m going insane
I want to break through; Make all my worries fade
Despise me if you’d like; This is what you have made
Noone shows their true spirit; As if their lost like me
Trying to find my cure; It’s almost too hard to believe
How much I’ve really changed; I’m a new person now
People worry about me; Sometimes I wonder how
Give me a little bit of time; A little room to breathe
You are so lovely to me; Sweet and nieve
Temptation takes over me; Everything else slips away
I will never be complete; Leave problems for another day
Too much drama and tears; Too much for me to live by
Everything I have lived up to; Became the biggest lies
Everyone should be happt; Everyone is meant to be
If they do not like it; Please take the anger out on me

Thoughts

Copyright, Christine

Every night the blade glides over which seems like reinvented scars making the damage deeper and deeper. Is it wrong that I appear impatient about doing so every night in which I am depressed and lonely? I am trying to lift my head out of my clouds and try to turn all of this negative into positive but it seems as if everything is backfiring on me. Lost and have not clue what to do with this life, strangers try to show me a way in which I have never travelled, assuming I will be OK with it. This pain seems to grow every moment that passes and I find myself picking out a million reasons to cry, as if this is how I should live day to day. Why should I be certain that what I am putting myself through is wrong? This pain I force upon myself seems to be the only thing to look forward to in life. Maybe all this dark talk I speak of is just my depression taking over? Maybe I am not sane? I have no answer to the many questions in which run through my mind endlessly. I need a love in my life. I’d much rather be lonely then run back to my past but I need something right now in my life. Anything.

Hiding

Copyright, Christine

Pain is my pleasure; It’s the only thing I feel
My addiction is deadly; But at least it’s real
Blade against wrist; Relieving all this pain
Scars begin to show; People think I’m insane
When I sees the blood; I get so high
To think all of this; Over a stupid guy

I walks alone; Pretending to be free
If only I could be saved; There’d be no blood to see
I’ll hide it all; As I fall apart
Used to this suffering; A simple broken heart
Lost and lonely; Wanting to end it fast
As long as I’m here; I’ll just think of the past

I tried to kill my pain; But only bled more
Noone sees what goes on; When I’m lying on the floor
Crimson tears and full of fear; Nothing left to lose
This pain I go through; Is something I chose
No cure and no help; Just me against the rest
Ending it all right now; Seems like the best

Killing Me

Copyright, Christine

It’s killing me, I want to end this so bad
All of these people, make me feel so sad
It’s killing me, I want to drift and die
All I feel is the blood rush, and the tears I cry
It’s killing me, I can’t take it anymore
No one there for me, my life is so unsure
It’s killing me, why am I here
Life is so dull now, trying to find someone who cares

Pain

Copyright, Christine

Pain is my pleasure; It’s the only thing I feel
My addiction is deadly; But atleast it’s real
Blade against wrist; Releiving all this pain
Scars begin to show; People think I’m insane
When I sees the blood; I get so high
To think all of this; Over a stupid guy

I walks alone; Pretending to be free
If only I could be saved; There’d be no blood to see
I’ll hide it all; As I fall apart
Used to this suffering; A simple broken heart
Lost and lonely; Wanting to end it fast
As long as I’m here; I’ll just think of the past

I tried to kill my pain; But only bled more
Noone sees what goes on; When I’m lying on the floor
Crimson tears and full of fear; Nothing left to lose
This pain I go through; Is something I chose
No cure and no help; Just me against the rest
Ending it all right now; Seems like the best

I smile with tears, so cold

Copyright, Christine

I drag the knife across.
I smile as the pain pores down.
I feel the heat escape.
This pain is all I know.
Traped here in my darkness,
I have to cut to feel.
I have to feel to cut,
But my bady has grown numb.
Lyeing here in red,
I smile with tears, so cold.
I cut again.
I cut today.
I cut away the old.

Untitled

Copyright, Christine

spiders are all over me as i lay beneth my bed
cuts on my arms are part of what goes on in my head
i guess it was to much to handle
to big of a temptation
the spiders arent real just part of my imagination

Christine writes:

I wrote this about 3 years after I started to cut myself. I wrote it when I cut myself so deep it went through the tissue. I never went to the doctor because I wouldn’t tell anyone. I would lay underneath my bed for hours so nobody would hear me cry.

Cutter

Copyright, Christine

Sometimes I cut my skin,
It puts me in control;
Everyone says that cutting’s a sin,
But they don’t know how it makes me whole.

Sometimes the only think that calms me,
Is seeing my own dark blood;
I feel better when it all runs free,
In a fantastic crimson flood.

Sometimes I feel a little pain,
But I can make it stop;
This problem I have has nothing to gain,
But I’m spinning like a psychotic top.

I don’t know why I like this game,
I’m a cutter and I don’t know why;
The scars I have cause me such shame,
And when I see them I just want to cry.

Cutting

Copyright, Christine

Tonight I cut my wrist,
It made me feel so good;
Tonight I cut my wrist,
Because I know I never should.

Tonight I cut my wrist,
It hurts but I’m in control;
Tonight I cut my wrist,
But I didn’t cut my soul.

Tonight I cut my wrist,
On death I’ve started to advance;
Tonight I cut my wrist,
I’d do it again if given the chance.

Tonight I cut my wrist,
No one believed that I would do it;
Tonight I cut my wrist,
It was my last chance on life and I blew it.

Tonight I cut my wrist,
Blood oozes down my arm;
Tonight I cut my wrist,
But it didn’t do any harm.

Tonight I cut my wrist,
My blood mixes with my tears;
Tonight I cut my wrist,
I scream but nobody hears.

Tonight I cut my wrist,
I’m all alone it’s true;
Tonight I cut my wrist,
Nobody found me so what should I do?

Self-Jubilation

Copyright, Christine

Blood filters the hurt inside,
Out comes the residue I manage to hide.
Each sensation magnified with red,
A touch of life exposes this dead.
A damned me feels revived.
In too deep I have dived.
Cares drown in this sudden bliss,
Wordly sanaties my mind dismiss.
Breathing in, I hear the clock tick,
Its merely a sound compared to the prick.
Blood bubbles to the top,
Then by force its starts to drop.
Through each crak it makes its way,
Down my skin it slides and play.
Seconds later it will dry.
No longer will my body cry.

 

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