Courtney M

All That I’ve Got

Copyright, Courtney M

All that I’ve got
Is a slough of bad friends
Always bitching about the newest drama
This stupid shit never ends

All that I’ve got
Is a poor self-esteem
Every time I look in the mirror
It makes me wanna scream

All that I’ve got
Is this razor I hold in my hand
It’ll always be there
When I can’t find my rubber band

All that I’ve got
Is this fresh new slice
Until I am more brave and take the next step
For now this will have to suffice


Copyright, Courtney M

I’m sick of crying
Alone in bed
I’m sick of screaming
Inside of my head

I’m sick of your crap
I have to put up with everyday
I’m sick of trying
To keep the urges at bay

I’m sick of being alone
With no one to run to
I’m sick of everyone
And that’s including you

I’m sick of all my scars
And trying with all my might
I’m sick of trying to stay alive
I want to give in to this fight


Copyright, Courtney M

This time it was bad
I cut it so deep
It was so bad
I couldn’t even sleep

This time it was bad
My whole body went numb
It was so bad
But not at all dumb

This time it was bad
It wouldn’t stop bleeding
It was so bad
My maker I might soon be meeting

This time it was bad
I want to go, please
It was so bad
I’m just a disease

This time it was bad
I passed out in my bed
It was so bad
Please God, just let me be dead

The Consequence

Copyright, Courtney M

please don’t lecture
it only makes things worse
please don’t scream
it only pushes me further
please don’t yell
it wont get you anywhere
please don’t try to understand
because you never will

I cut because
of all the shit that happens
i cut because
of all the true friends i don’t have
i cut because
of the good family I’ve never had
i cut because
of you

as the blood pours out
i begin to feel better
as the blood pours out
i begin to feel worse
as the blood pours out
i begin to see the truth
as the blood pours out
i begin to see the consequence

for i have died inside


Copyright, Courtney M

She hates the world
She hates herself
She hates that they think she’s a fake

She hates her mom
And all the stupid shit she says
She hates her sister
And all her stupid friends

She hates her body
That’s covered in scars
She hates her wounds
That never seem to heal

She hates that man
That did that horrible thing
She hates that he molested her
Until she was thirteen

She hates her school
And all the ignorant people in it
She hates this country
With the leaders that are full of shit

She hates it when
Her friends die
She hates that she never
Gets to say goodbye

She hates the fact she’s alive
So please just let her die

The Razorblade

Copyright, Courtney M

When she was 11
That’s when it all started
Alone in the world
And freshly broken hearted

That man was horrible
A drunk addicted to sex and beer
Did things to her
To make her live her life in fear

He touched her in places
She knew were very wrong
In many places
His hands didn’t belong

He never stopped
Until she was 13
He did things that were bad
Things that were so mean

Rape, abuse
Anything you can think of
Things that made her wish
To go to the land up above

When she was 12
Only in seventh grade
That’s when she found it
She found the razorblade

She had to do it
Release all her pain
If she didn’t do it
She’d go insane

She picked up the blade
Placed it to her skin
Made a shallow cut
Not too thick, not too thin

She sat there crying
As it started to bleed
The start of a habit
One she did not need

It went on for awhile
About a year in fact
Until a day when she was 13
The day she made a pact

“No more of this” she said
“There must be another way
And all this injury
It will stop today”

About two years passed
Her wounds healed, she was clean
Until that day
When she was 15

A lot of stuff
Was going all wrong
She soon found herself back in that place
That she didn’t belong

Her friends were dead
Her mother hits
She always found herself
Sick and tired of all this shit

She had two friends that did it
So that made it seem okay
To hurt herself again
The pact was broken that day

So now once again
She finds herself crying in the dark
She did it again
It will leave a mark

Her friends think its new to her
Well, its not
They think she’s a fake
They think that she’s caught

She tries to tell them she’s done it before
But they’ll choose not to believe
They think those cuts and scars are new
The ones hidden up her sleeve

So I guess for now
They can believe what they want
Until the day they see the truth
Then their minds will be the ones it will haunt

Too Much to Take

Copyright, Courtney M

She sits alone in the corner
All the blood flows down her arm
Her sleeves are stained bright red
She can’t stop doing herself harm

All she can do is cry
Because nobody cares
She’ll do it again and again
But how much more can she bear?

Once again she cuts
This time nice and slow
Her skin rips apart
And the blood starts to flow

She grabs her rag
And wipes up her mess
They will heal in time
Just like all the rest

She knows she needs help
She knows her life is at stake
Some some days lke today…
This life is just too much to take


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