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Kasandra

My name is Kasandra and I am a fifteen year old sophomore. I started cutting when I was in the 6th grade so I was about eleven or twelve years old. As I got older I started cutting deeper and now I am trying to quit because I know how much it scares my family and all my friends. It’s hard but I am trying really hard. I cut to ease the pain that I feel because I don’t remember how else to deal with it because I have been cutting for so long. I can’t deal with emotional pain very well so when something goes wrong I take it out on myself. I hate cutting but at the same time I love it. My best friend Krystal (you should read her poem it’s on here) cuts too. I love her to death but I don’t want her to turn out like me. I just hope that we can get through this together and that we will both get out alive.

Update: I have not cut for about two or three months now. I am very proud of myself. I will be sixteen on the 28th of April and I can’t wait. I have this friend named Kayla, she’s like my other half and she’s going down the same route that I have been. But I’m not sure how to help her. I don’t want her to cut because it’s hard to stop. If someone could e-mail me and give me a few tips that would be great. This site has really helped me to stop cutting. Thanks for eveything.

Covered In Blood

Copyright, Kasandra

As my eyes swell up
From the tears of the day
I take out my knife
To ease my pain away
The sharp clean blade
Shows my reflection
It’s the only thing here
To help me feel some perfection
My hearts tender beating
Makes me feel sort of calm
As I grip the blade
Within my palm
I pull up my sleeve
And I ball up my fist
And I put the tip of the blade
Against the skin of my wrist
I press and I cut
Until the pain melts away
And I smile at the fact
That this is the best part of my day
But then I think, of all the people around
And I slash even deeper
Until blood covers the ground
I cut, and I cut
And i hear myself scream
And that’s when I realize
That I am not in a dream
People rush in my room
And they see what I’ve done
But with my blood covered wrist,
I’ve only begun
The numbness subsides
And I feel so brand new
But then I think of all the people
And what they have put me through
And then the tears start again
And my heart starts to beat
And I get a funny feeling
In the soles of my feet
I laugh, and I laugh
At the mess that I made
But I start to cut again
With the oh-so-sharp blade
They send me away
To help find a cure
But there isn’t one
Because this blood is too pure

Paper Girl

Copyright, Kasandra

Paper girl on the floor
Addicted to pain
Screaming for more
But no words escape her broken lips
She’s silent as they call her a bitch.
Walks ahead, not looking back
To what she lost
To what she had.
She walks inside
And up the steps
And into the darkest of depths
Grabs a knife and lays down
Red fountains of blood gushes
All around
She did it once
She did it twice
Pretty soon
She’ll need a new knife
And now she’s numb
Can’t feel the pain
Grabs the pills. She’s gone insane!
Not a lot. Just a little
Not enough
To turn her heart brittle
She knows better
Than to die
But it’d be better
than to hear his lies
She’s almost gone
She’s almost there
She never thought she’d take the dare
She wants to go
She wants to leave
How do I know, u ask?
I must not have told you, but that little girl is me.

Scars

Copyright, Kasandra

Each one is my story
My history to be explained
of one life lost
and one life gained

each one is my past
and my future to come
every name of every person
who’s made me come undone

Each one is my strength
to show the world who i can be
every line written of a poem
is inscribed somewhere in me

Each one is my weakness
telling everyone I’m giving up
letting all my friends and family know
that i don’t think they give a fuck

Now each one is my life
and my life will always stay
with the people who caused these SCARS
while each day i fade away

Look At Me

Copyright, Kasandra

I met a boy
He broke my heart
I cried a lot
I fell apart
Broken in two
Wishing to die
Losing my head
Again i will cry
Finding myself
In love with you
Always unsure
What do i do
Cutting my arms
Bleeding forever
Man, that sounds nice
But a terrible thing

To see my tears all gathered together
Pouring like rain
And lasting forever

Look at me
I gave you my all
Now look at how
You made these tears fall

One Harmless Cut

Copyright, Kasandra

It began with one harmless cut,
That turned to something more,
And today the only wish I have,
Is to be okay, like I was before.
But cutting had become a part of me,
The only thing I could control,
And yet it only gave me short relief,
Never once did it mend my soul.
It soon became an addiction,
I’d do anything just to cut,
For anyone who ever tried to help,
I pushed them away, I kept myself shut.
Now, I look down at my arms,
To see scars that I’ve made,
They never seem to go away,
The only thing they do is fade.
I remember being lonely,
More lonely than I’ve ever been,
And now it’s coming back to me,
I’m becoming lonely, all over again.
And I’ll never stop thinking,
About everything they’ve done,
The cuts that ruined my life,
That distanced me from everyone.
And it’s all blamed on one harmless cut,
That turned to something more,
And today the only wish I have,
Is to be okay, like I was before.

Dreamcatcher

Copyright, Kasandra

I panic in the dark,
my dreams are hurting me,
My heart beats like a drum,
from all the things I see.
You’d be frightened too,
of what’s inside my head,
I always sufficate,
from thinking I am dead.
When I’m sleeping at my friend’s,
I wake up, eyes are wide,
they see my startled face,
and they are horrified.
What is wrong with me,
I’m really not ok.
My dreams are killing me,
make them go away…

Wishing Each Breath Was Your Last

Copyright, Kasandra

It’s not alright when you live you life,
Wishing each breath was your last.
It hurts to bad to sit and think about the past.
When you flashed your last real smile.
When fairy tales came true.
Sit down a second… I have some questions for you.
Have you ever cut your self just to see it bleed?
You didn’t want to but you felt the need.
Can you catch your breath when you are crying?
Do you live each day wishing you were dying?
To you is living just a chore?
Have you forgotten what you are living for?
I go through this each and every waking day.
I’ve lost ability to speak, forgotten what to say.
I’m to scared to go to bed at night.
Because I don’t want to wake up in the morning
Just to once again go through everything I went through the day before.
I think life is just not worth living anymore.
Why try and find the words when you don’t know what to say?
Why keep living if you can end it all today?
Why let them keep taking when you have nothing to give.
Life isn’t fair, when you’ve lost the ability to want to live.

Cut

Copyright, Kasandra

She doesnt know why
And she’s not quite sure how
but she’s gripping the blade
and cutting now
The first time was the hardest
provoked by pain
But now its easier,
like she has something to gain.
But the more she cuts
and the more time goes past
the less she realizes
the feeling doesn’t last.

What You Do

Copyright, Kasandra

Every hateful word you say
leaves a scar on somebody’s heart
Every sharp glance of eager distain
sends somebody back to start
Every loving word you never said
Leaves somebody wondering why
Every hug you decided not give
Makes somebody break down and cry
Every time you create pain
somebody questions themself
Everytime you decide to walk away
somebody’s hopes and dreams melt
Everytime you let someone in
and kick them right back out
they realize that they’ll never win
and you’re forgotten about
Everytime you look my way
my hopes soar above the clouds
But then I hear the words you say
and realize my dreams were wrong
Everytime you put me down
I just get back up
There has to be some way around
your avoidance of true love

Drowning

Copyright, Kasandra

Darkness fills the sky
The stars capture the night
I drown myself in your eyes
As your words taunt my pain
You drown me in guilt
You drown me in sorrow
You keep drowning out my words
Why must i suffer?
Suffering the pain
Suffering the guilt
Take your best shot
Cause I’m already drowning

A Friend Named Death

Copyright, Kasandra

on life’s long journey,
to a place you’ll never know,
lived a certain someone,
who’s heart they’ll never show,
locked behind steel bars
trapped inside their head,
crying hopeless tears,
they never meant to shed,
lost inside this darkness of cold and silence,
running into nowhere and falling faster,
searching for a path they never seemed to master,
gone in a single breath,
looking closely for a friend named death

You Can’t

Copyright, Kasandra

You can’t break a heart
that’s already broken
You can’t take back the words
that were already spoken
You can’t hurt someone
immune to pain
You can’t stop the tears
that flow like rain
You can’t take the knife
out from your back
You can’t heal the scars
from that attack
You can’t breathe again
once you have drowned
You can’t fall any further
once you’ve hit the ground
So get back up
The truth you must bear
Cause you can’t feel anything
if no feelings are there…

To Love You

Copyright, Kasandra

To love you is to fear you
To cry when you’re away
To see you in my every thoughts
To want you every day

To love you is an addiction
To want you, makes me ill
Every look I lay upon you
Makes my world stand still

To hear you is a living dream
Of words I’ve heard before
To touch you is like a dangerous drug
That leaves me needing more

To smell you takes my every breath
I get lost in your cologne
To love you is to hurt inside
Whenever i’m alone

To taste your lips leaves me numb
To hold you leaves me whole
To love you is to need you
To know you, moves my soul

Broken Cutter

Copyright, Kasandra

“Hate me”
Carved into my arm,
Is this cause for alarm?

Cuts wrapped around my wrist,
Suddenly I feel lost-
I think of what the cuts have cost.

Definite stares at my arms-
They wonder why there is so much red,
I think I’d rather be dead.

I just would like to cry out why,
Why can’t I cry?!
Why can’t I just say goodbye?!

I’m just tired of staying strong,
I’m getting worn down here-
My life is being ruled by fear.

So I sit here and ponder,
Why I feel so much strain,
And why numbness overcame pain.

Why did I cut again?
Why have I thrown everything away?
Just for some thoughts gone astray.

So here I lay,
Nothing to utter
For I am a broken cutter.

Scared, Alone

Copyright, Kasandra

Please don’t hurt me
I heard myself cry
What am I saying
I wondered why
another nights sleep
ruined by nightmares
scared to death
no one was there
I reached next to me
nothing but space
I searched the sheets
not even a face
someone please help me
I yelled to the night
nobody answered
I was overcome with fright
what is this fear I know
someone whispered to me
its the fear of being alone

Leave Me Alone

Copyright, Kasandra

i run to the bathroom
My problems I hide
I’m too ashamed to tell
So all I do is lie
I do this everyday
Knowing something’s wrong with me
But I don’t need your help
Nor do I want your pity
You wonder why I do this
I wonder why you care
As if you’ve cared before
As if you’ve always been there
But now all the sudden you decide to care
Just because there’s something wrong
You probably use my weakness
Only to make yourself strong
Well yeah.that’s really messed up
But I guess that’s how you are.and that’s fine
Just don’t tell me the “you need help” speech
I’ve heard it once to many times
This isn’t your body…its mine!
God, I wish you people understood
You just don’t know what its like
You tell me all these stories to scare me
And say i’m taking my own life
But hey.that sounds pretty good right now
It’s better than having this empty hole
Drowning in my pain and sorrow
Eventually this disorder will just take its toll
But maybe that hole can be filled
Not that its something I hope
Cuz even after it is filled
I don’t think id be able to cope
Not with reality
Not with my past
Not with my life
It’s not worth what I have
And what I have may be horrible to you
But it’s just how I deal
This is my world.its how I live
And it changes how I feel
So please stop telling me to stop
And while you’re at it please don’t judge me
Because I know you do it all the time
Along with all the others
No one gets me

My Eyes are Happy

Copyright, Kasandra

I don’t cry through my eyes.
Rather my wrists.
My tears are blood.
Real tears don’t exist.
Me facing my fears.
Fears of being happy
Not having an excuse
Having a real smile.
Going on with a use.
It’s so easy to not feel.
I don’t need to impress.
I walk around blinded.
Who knows I’m depressed?
Who knows? Rather who cares
Don’t be here for me now.
Before you were never there.
I am pushing you away
Only because you care too much.
I hate to feel
And I can feel your touch.
It doesn’t burn, it doesn’t itch
It doesn’t hurt me.
It leaves me with no reason to bitch.
I’m to scared to feel,
I’m afraid I have forgotten how.
I never mattered before, why now?
You say you want to help me.
Make the scars ago away.
Well I’m not letting you in
At least not today
For now I cry tears of red.
Thinking rancid thoughts
Of how I’m better off dead
But in my eyes, you would never see.
I don’t cry through my eyes.
My eyes are happy.

Mistake

Copyright, Kasandra

A blade in my hand
A wrist in my view
Thoughts in my head
I wish I had u.
Cuts on the hand
Blood flowing through
Scars on my wrist
All want is u.
Cut cut cut
Now that’s all I do
I’m giving up on me
Cuz I cant have u.
I made a mistake
I begged for acceptation
But it was too late
All I got was rejection.
Its too late
Even if u re-consider
I’m cheating on fate
Leaving u forever.
Once is not enough
But its hurts just as bad
The pain is combining
All of it that I have.
This is too painful
Should I try another way?
Pop in some pills
Or drown myself at day.
Hang my self
So I can suffer the lack of breath
Maybe shoot myself with a gum
Or poison myself to death.
Twice more I strike
Deeper this time
The thought of losing u
It feels like a crime.
I miss u now and always will
But I have to say goodbye-
My eyes are tearing
Heart is burning
You’re gonna get on with your life
I know you will.
Don’t you cry, o please u don’t
I wish I could b there
Why r there tears in your eyes?
I thought u didn’t care.
Ill be your angel
I promise I will
Guide you all the way through
And when it’s the end and u come to heaven
Ill finally get 2 b with u.
There’s a blade in your hand
A wrist in your view
Tears in your eyes
And questions to ask too.
Regrets fill your mind
Anger rushes out
A slit on your wrist
I know u want to shout.
Baby don’t do this
Don’t give up like me
Ill b your angel in heaven
Its not too late to see.
U feel its your fault
But it was all mine
I took my life away
And putting u next in line.
I wish I could cradle u in my arms
Tell u that I’m okay
That ill b waiting for u with charms
That make all your pain go away.
Take away that sin
That took me away from u
Take away that slit
That parts us in two.

Cuts

Copyright, Kasandra

these scars on my wrist
are from the pain that you’ve caused
you hurt me in so may ways
i just cant say.
i look at my wrist
and all i can think is why
why do i put up with all the shit you put me through.
there is no reason for you.
it still hurts inside and i wanna cut deeper
you don’t even know the pain that you cause
the words you say to me
all the shit you put me throw
i wish i could say i hate you
but i truly do love you.

Untitled

Copyright, Kasandra

I hold the blade between my fingers
Wondering what to do
I still feel the pain that lingers
The pain caused by you
I can see myself in the blade
Like I could see my self in you
Do you realize all the pain you’ve made
Do you know who I’m talking to?
I can picture the blade penetrating my skin
Like u penetrated me
I doubt you even remember when
You’re heart belonged to me
I could take the blade and make a design
A design for you to see
I could take the blade and stab it inside
To make you feel sorry for me
I toss the blade away
The same way you left me
The thing, which causes the pain, is gone
The same way you’re not here with me

Would you miss me?

Copyright, Kasandra

if i took this blade
and ran the edge along my skin
felt it burn as it sunk in
watch the blood
like a river it flows
where I’m going to end up
no one knows…
my heart is racing
as i fall to the floor
thinking my last thoughts
as i rest my head against the door
the pain is overwhelming
but its like a release
soon all the pain in the world
will decease.
the reality sinks in
I’m not going to live
i panic and try to reverse the sin
its too late now
the darkness settles in
I no longer feel the burning
sensation on my skin.
A picture of you
the last image I’ll ever see
but the question is…
Would you miss me?

Undecided

Copyright, Kasandra

as the blood drips
from the open wound
i sit in the dark corner of my room
it cuts so deep
it soothes the pain
so i watch my blood drip
again
i cannot tell anyone
what i do
i cover it up
so no one can see
the cuts that lay beneath my sleeve
i listen to my music
sit alone in my room
nobody knows me nobody cares
so i’ve found the meaning of life
you’re only born so you can die
life sucks why waste your time
so if you hate your life… try taking mine

Mirror

Copyright, Kasandra

I stare into the mirror.
I hate the person looking back at me.
Tears stream down my face
I have to end it… the pain.
I slide down the wall
onto the tile.
Metal sears my flesh.
I gasp, surprised by the pain.
The floor is going to be stained with my blood, that’s how they’ll remember me.
I exhale and shudder, I’m so cold.
Almost over… almost.
My last thoughts are of the two that helped me make it this far.
This is going to hurt them, but they are stronger than me, they’ll survive.
I love you so much, please forgive me.
You were my world, but you couldn’t save me this time.
My last thoughts, my last smile…
I close my eyes and whisper good-bye.
One last tear… stillness.

Hidden

Copyright, Kasandra

She has pain
Deep inside
With all the scars
She tries to hide
Lotz of pain
Too much to list
Hidden cuts
Upon her wrist
Scars mad
By a razor blade
All meaning in life
Has started to fade
She just wants the pain
To go away
Not really sure
If she’ll live through another day

Promise

Copyright, Kasandra

I made a little promise,
A promise I now hate.
IT was an important promise,
That my life I will not take.
But now I regret IT,
As the pain does not subside.
I hate that my life is no longer mine,
I just want to die.
But I love the ones I promised IT too,
And cannot make them cry.
But it seems so hard,
All I can do is lie.
I long to cut,
To feel the blade against my skin,
It’s an aching pain,
In a battle I can’t win.

Perfect Now

Copyright, Kasandra

I lie on my bed,
lifeless, not breathing,
my skin
cold and pale
traces of blood
remain on my wrists
crimson stains
on my sheets
I am beautiful

The Blade is my Friend

Copyright, Kasandra

There is this secret that I keep inside
With all my emotions I’m trying to hide
Few people know who I really am or what I do
Nobody knows the truth
I cry myself to sleep at night
Because I can t deal with my pain inside
I cope with my pain differently than you would
I take it out on myself
By cutting up my arms, legs
And sometimes my stomach
I know that nobody would understand
Except for maybe a cutter
So I don t ask for help
I just keep to myself
And I cry inside
Because I want to get better
Cutting is an addiction
That I want to go away
It s scary sometimes
But it s like a rush
Seeing the blood
Makes me feel like I have control
I look down now
At the fresh cuts on my arm
And I look at the other scars that cutting has left behind
I am scared that one day I will cut too deep
And that one cut
Will end my life

Broken Cutter

Copyright, Kasandra

Everyone is suicidal
In this world of pain
Everyone is different
Yet we re all the same
The world is just darkness
We don t let on anymore
All of us hate them
A junkie, a cutter, a whore
Everyone s crying
We are all insane
Aren t you sick of the hurt?
Aren t you tired of the pain?
The world is hurting me,
And they re hurting you
A cutters HELL
You re in it too.

 

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